GAY XXX!

Tomorrow's Yesterday's News, Today.

2010-07-12T17:07:00.005+08:00

Watch for telltale signs
by See N.A.

Family members play an integral part in monitoring extremists behaviour and self-radicalisation among individuals within their own family unit.

While presiding the launch of new HDB apartments in Bishan specially designed with elderly friendly features, Assistant Deputy Prime Minister; Minister of the Home and House; Second Minister, Internal Security Ministry; Assistant Minister, Ministry of Ministerial Affairs; and Minister, Ministry without Portfolio, Mr. Allwaes Digress, actually found time to venture into discussing the recent detention of a self-radicalied Full-Time National Serviceman.

He told reports present that family members must identify some key telltale signs that point towards "radical, extremists and dangerous" behaviour, and must certainly not pass this off as jokes, coffeeshop or empty political talk.

ADPM/MHH/SM,ISM/AM,MMA/MMP Digress' comment came after the NSF was self-radicalised by surfing the Internet and sending some emails. He also revealed that this was not an isolated incident and another individual, unrelated to the first case, was detained under the Internal Security Act (ISA) as of July 10.

27 year old Singaporean national, Linguine Noodles-Chen, who was working as a full part-time used-teabag deliveryman was detained under the ISA for radical, dangerous and extremists views held under his Pastafarian beliefs. He was alleged to have planned a series of attacks against the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (CFSM) by planning to contaminate sacks of pasta, deemed to be sacred by the CFSM, with noodles, bee-hoon and kway-teow. Plans were also discovered at his home for an island wide attack on fast food chain, PastaManiac, by swapping out all their pasta supplies with yellow noodles.

On this case, Mr. Digress said that such acts of terrorism "will not be condoned by this country, and all necessary steps will be taken to rid the nation of the scourge of terrorism caused by terrifying terrorists aiming to incite terror into the hearts of the citizenry."

Wrapping up the press conference, the Minister said that the new HDB apartments designed for the elderly were "very nice".

Tomorrow's Yesterday's News, Today.

2010-07-10T03:13:00.004+08:00

Hope for Singapore Representation
by Lin Nah Ber

With only 4 teams representing Singapore in this year's World Cyber Games Championships (WCG), many Singaporeans ponder if our country is really made for competing in international events, especially with the utter failure of "Goal 2010" and the upcoming Youth Olympic Games (YOG).

Commenting on the dismal state of this year's WCG representation, Team Leader of HaRdC0R3z G4m3rzzzxxx XOXO, Boh Tak Cek said, "This year very fews peoples is taking part in the WCG, lah. I is not knowing why also, leh, but good for my team, lah. A number of years ago we were not even qualifying for the Woolands Chumpionship, but now we coming top prace!"

However, plans to put Singapore on to the world stage in international events have already begun, as the boffins at the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports and the Education Ministry revealed. A governmental spokesman leading a joint task force (MCYS-EM-JTF) between the two ministries have revealed a solution, and is petitioning the Youth Olympic Games Committee to include it as early as the next YOG.

Minister of the Ministry Without Portfolio, Col-Gen (NS) Dr. Geh Kiang Nia, revealed in an exclusive interview, "We know Singapore isn't exactly cut out for most sports. Or games. Or sports and games. Which is why, the MCYS-EM-JTF has come up with a brilliant solution and has proposed it to the YOG Committee to consider. We have formulated a brilliant Olympic 10-year series event, whereby participants attempt to complete a Cambridge GCE "O" or "A" levels 10 year series in as little time as possible, scoring the most marks. We believe this is an effective two pronged approach in bringing Singapore to the international competitive platform while simultaneously allowing students to revise their work."

A spokesman for the MCYS-EM-JTF, who spoke to this reporter on condition of anonymity, revealed that local Mathematics assessment book guru, Mr. Andrew Uh How ToDo, will be a key consultant in the establishment of the first Singapore team for this event.

2010-03-19T13:57:00.001+08:00

A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.

Car

2010-03-09T01:58:00.003+08:00

Are you in your twenties and thinking of buying a car?

Do you think your friends with cars are being cheapskate for always looking for cheap alternative parking?

Do you think your friends with cars are fucked up for not sending you home?

If your answer is 'Yes' to any of the above questions, CONGRATULATIONS! You are at the right article!

First, setting the cost of the car itself aside, let us calculate the average monthly costs of maintaining a car:

1. Road Tax for 1.5L Car: $682 annually
Monthly Amount: $56.83

2. Insurance for 1 year: $2,600 annually (With little or no NCD cause IRAS will go after parents for having so many cars despite meagre salary)
Monthly Amount: $216.67

3. Radio Licence Fee: $27 annually
Monthly Amount: $2.25

4. HDB/URA Season Parking Charges: $65 per month (Open Air CP)

5. Misc Parking Charges:
EPS URA Parking 4hrs every alternate day: 4 X $1.10 X 15 days
Monthly Charges: $66

6. ERP Charges:
Enter & Exit CBD once a bi-monthly during extreme peak periods only (conservative estimate)
Monthly Charges: $6

7. Petrol Charges:
Lump Sum estimate: $200 monthly (conservative estimate)

8. Season Parking at Campus ($40 per semester, 4 months per sem; conservative estimate)
Monthly charges: $10

Total Monthly Charges so far: $622.75

$622.75 per month, excluding loan repayments and depreciation. But let's round that down to $600. I'm not rich and all, and I pay for my own car out of the allowance I get from my dad from work. It might be (somewhat) easy money, but it's still meagre nonetheless. My savings are practically zilch. Some people are fortunate enough to get every aspect of the car paid for them, but well, I'm not one of them (sadly) because I'm independent (ahahaha, right)!

Ok anyway, most of the time, personally, it's not the money that I get all worked up at sending people back but the fact of whether people are appreciative of the effort or not. There are certain people that I always send back, no matter the distance nor the hour, simply because they are appreciative, and do not just hop into the car expecting to be sent home. And then again there are the type that just give a face longer than a list of politicians' scandals.

At times a simple "Is it on the way? Is it ok if you send me home? Just drop me by the main road, I'll walk a bit" goes a long way in helping people help you get back.

Your friend with the car does not only have you to send back on one day. Everyday, in different cliques, there will be people for the driver to send back. Remember that you are not the only one/the only day that the driver spends money on. You save the midnight charge and the cab fare each time, but the driver saves nothing and expends more resources (intagibles included e.g. time & sleep) to send you home.

Among the most appreciative frequent passengers I have are Gregory Beh and Lindsay Ong. Other fellow drivers who understand the pains and are appreciative during the few times of passenger-ship are Jason Wong and Nah Yao Qing.

Among the most unappreciative passengers, hah, you know who you are.

Nothing makes a worse passenger than just dropping your ass in the car, expecting to be sent home, or taunting/insulting the driver hoping for a ride home, or just saying "Bye" when you're finally home. So let us not be calculative with both the resources and the emotions/appreciation, be nice and we'd be nice. The world would be a better place already.

Pass it on, a little APPRECIATION goes a long, long way.

3 Rules to Being a Good Passenger:
1. Ask BEFOREHAND if it's OK to hitch a ride, not when everyone is disbanding & going home;
2. Give thanks and appreciation, before, during and after the ride;
3. Understand the driver's position, you're not the only one asking for a ride in the driver's life.

The irrelevance of business studies.

2009-11-25T15:27:00.002+08:00

Today, while working, I met one of those typical middle-aged gungho Chinese entrepreneur cum businessman type. Complete with a big belly and some semblance of a beard-in-progress of course.

"Fuck the marketing mix. It does jack shit!" Those were the words that he said upon hearing I was studying Business in university.

Then he basically went on to exalt himself and talk about his exploits and greatness in building up an empire out of nothing. But it got me wondering, it it really a less-than-relevant course of study? Come to think about it, it is all pretty much common sense. Paying tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars for someone to tell you what is essentially common sense is simply foolish, but of course no one wants to admit that. I think most people study such topics only because their bosses would promote them and/or give them a raise, and I guess that is sufficient.

Doing business is like driving a car. And somehow we would have D.Phil. (Motorsports) if there were actually as many people entering the motorsport arena as there are student entering university not wanting to do Arts, or Science, or Math, or Medicine, or Law, and uh, whatever.

It's like getting a Dr. Kimi Raikkonen telling you that:
A) To drive a car, you must not cross double white lines
B) Stop at the red light
C) Give way to vehicles that have right of way
D) Do not give the Rozzers The Finger.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that to be successful you need a good price and product and the right means of distributing it to the customers and how to advertise it - it's common sense.

Aspects of business studies have been going on since biblical times; farmers stored more seeds and grain when they forecast a long winter. They sell their excess produce at higher prices during the long winter to desperate souls. And then of course, the bourgeois aristocratic dogs would come along and tax them all away.

Naturally, the same thing is happening today, albeit under a different guise.

Strategic studies is also increasing in demand, yet, do we really need someone to be telling us to "strike at the opponent's weakness" and to "know yourself and your enemy"? Well, apparently some people do. Like for example,

Ari Fleischer: "... there is no question that we have evidence and information that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction..." and,

Gen. Tommy Franks: "There is no doubt that the regime of Saddam Hussein possesses weapons of mass destruction."

But of course, I must also highlight some good aspects of strategic planning:
Then Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew struck at the weakness of Singaporean students' language proficiency by implementing a bilingual education policy, forcing students to take two languages.

It all stems from the Boss' insecurity. Since they'd rather give a higher pay to someone with a Degree in Common Sense, I had better get myself the right set of tools to rip them off.

SAF 9 Core Values

2009-11-08T21:34:00.002+08:00

The SAF 9 Core Values for the 3G Soldier Are:
1. Loyalty to Country
2. Leadership
3. Discipline
4. Professionalism
5. Fighting Spirit
6. Ethics
7. Care for Soldiers
8. Not to get caught
9. When in Doubt, Angkat Bolah

tristan Weighs in on the whole Ris Low incident.

2009-09-30T22:16:00.002+08:00

Right, at long last, after such a long absence from blogging, I shall weigh in on this issue on Ris Low that has set Internet forums alight with chatter and gossip.

The Ris Low incident began with Internet viral videos showing an interview of her during her pageant run as Miss World Singapore. While showing no judge of her character, it revealed that her ability to converse in English, and her diction, was at that point of time, unacceptable. For weeks, newspaper and Internet forums and Facebook status (there is no plural for status; it is an uncountable noun, so says my Collins Cobuild dictionary which I bothered digging up for, and I will beat you to death if you argue with me) were ablaze with varying opinions on whether she should represent Singapore.

The title of Miss World Singapore entails certain expectations and responsibilities, and while the process of winning the title could be said to be difficult, the process of living up to the responsibilities of the title is definitely an arduous one. Even though society terms it as a "Beauty Contest/Pageant", the very idea of choosing a representative of a nation, and thereafter the World, based on superficial beauty alone is a fallacy. In today's modern world, beauty can be constructed - literally. All one needs to do is either to pay copious amounts of money for make-up or in extreme cases, plastic surgery. Moreover, beauty is a highly subject trait, with different cultures and individual perceptions coming into play. In many cultures during ancient antiquity, larger individuals were deemed to be beauty due to the perception of prosperity and wealth. Compare this to the modern world, whereby people still cannot agree on what beauty truly is; to be stick thin, or to have some weight on our bodies.

In a bid to alleviate this apparent flaw in pageants, organisers rush to hire a myriad of judges from different backgrounds and nationalities, include cognitive and personality tests and even get the common man on the street to vote for their beauty queen. All these put Pageant Queen hopefuls through the grind, demanding high levels of performance in both brawn and brain while simultaneously winning the support of her countrymen. Therefore, the first and foremost criteria of being a beauty queen would be to adhere to industry standards. that is to appear aesthetically pleasing, while also being confident and sophisticated. While there is little debate on the issue of Ris being pleasing to the eyes, there is definitely inconsistency on how she is able to engage people cognitively through well-structured and coherent sentences.

Weighing in on the issue, ERM World Marketing, the organiser of Miss World Singapore mentioned in a press release that "Singaporeans did not pay for her". While the statement is a fact, it is foolhardy to assume and even publicly proclaim such a statement. The very fact that her title holds the term Miss Singapore makes her a representative of the country. It is only right that Singaporeans should have a say in their beauty queen, especially if their arguments are sound and logical. The title of Singapore carries with it the responsibility of a national icon, and as stakeholders of national icons, the people definitely have a right to be heard. The statement from ERM's representative displayed a thorough lack of understanding and has also immediately taken a defence stance on the issue when probed for comments, which blatantly exposed a lack of corporate social responsibility. National icons involve national pride, and the people have every right to be infuriated if Singapore Airlines decided to rename itself or drastically change the image of the Singapore Girl.

Opponents would argue that Ris should have been allowed to keep her crown, and that Singaporeans should be lower than expectations, more understanding and less critical of beauty queens. Some even argued that Ris should be commended for trying to speak in English despite not being well-versed with the language. Indeed, Singaporeans have been more critical of beauty queens than they should be, especially with highly blasphemous and hurtful statements.

However, first impressions do matter, and studies have shown that first impressions are formed within the first three seconds of interaction, with a large emphasis on visual and audio stimulation. Ris did put in effort into speaking in English, and perhaps she might have achieved brilliant results at the international competition. On the other hand though, is it really wise to continue to compete in a particular aspect that one is not strong in? Swimmers do not compete in track and field events and vice versa despite all of them being athletes. Moreover, when it comes down to the final crunch, surely it will not be worthwhile to be taking such a big risk and gamble when the Miss World pageant rules stipulate that other languages be allowed?

The strongest argument against Ris keeping her crown would be her past conviction of credit card fraud. In 2008, she spent over $8,000 over a two month period by using her company's clients' credit cards which she stole when she was working as a clinic assistant. She also insinuated that her past conviction was a small matter as she was only given probation in lieu of a jail-term and does not see how that affects anything.

Clearly, her act of selfishness is clearly not one that a Miss World participant should display. As a potential role model to millions across the whole, honesty and integrity is a key attribute that such a person must have, as highlight by one of our Member of Parliaments to a local newspaper. Her fraud was definitely not a moment of folly as it spanned over a period of two months and she spent her ill-gotten gains on luxury items like watches and handbags, indulging in her consumerist lifestyle with no apparent thought for her victims, some of which may not be affluent enough to pay of the minimum sum, thereby incurring a high rate of interest and falling into a vicious cycle of debt. The probation placed upon her for such a serious breach of trust and the law was merely a slap on the wrist as many others have been prosecuted and been given far more stringent sentences for stealing much less valuable items. Without doubt, the issue at hand would not be the amount stolen but also the act itself, and the Mens Rea (the intention to commit) as well, of which there would definitely be no contest due to the extended duration and the number of times she wilfully used the stolen credit cards without thinking about the consequences.

A role model, which is what beauty pageants queens are, have to be of impeccable moral character, for the many youths to align their morals and values to. It is no wonder why parents do not encourage their children to have Bernie Madoff and Gary Sorenson as role models, despite their apparent ingenuity in being able to defraud billions from names like Santander, HSBC and RBS.

Perhaps what is most obvious from this whole incident is the revelation of how narrow-minded and into elitism Singaporeans are. We all follow the bandwagon and align ourselves to people who speak impeccable English, procure immense wealth, have great personalities, intellect and experience. Numerous Singaporeans love to see themselves as one of those up the ladder, be it economic, social or whatever. They hide behind their facade of being able to speak the Queen's English and the numerous digits of their bank accounts in Singapore, Switzerland and Monte Carlo. Yet, it is these same people, in trying too hard to impress, blurt out words like "irregardless", "sheeps" or "economical situation". In fact, if you bothered to reread this entire post, I will be willing to wager a tenner that it would be riddled with errors and fallacies.

I feel that the greatest difficulty in life and the greatest achievement of all, would be to be perfectly normal and to be able to enjoy the little subtleties of life. I derive great pleasure from paying $3 for a plate of filling and tasty mixed-vegetable rice from the neighbourhood stall and scorn when I have to pay $200 for a meal with a portion which would keep me satiated for all but 7 minutes after dining.

I cannot deny that I myself am guilty of worldly pleasures, lusting for things which a well-paid marketing professional has spent hours working on, like an iPod. In fact, I have even been down the road whereby I look at school uniforms which I do not recognise and scoff deep down in my heart.

At the end of the day, perhaps we need to evaluate ourselves and see if we have fallen into the trap of clever marketing and their gimmicks, be it for a product, for a school, for a course of study or for our ideals and aspirations. How many of us can identify at least one person in our life who has appeared to achieve all that can be desired, and yet seem strangely unfulfiled? Do you really want to wait until you are gasping for air on your oxygen regulator that your wished you did something else with your life be it going to a different university, marrying a different partner or even just not buying that cooking wok that you really fancied?

Ris gave the pageant a good try, and that is all that matters. At the end of the day, she would be able to say "at least I tried". And for that, I shall continue to give her my support, not because she falls within my criterion of aesthetically-pleasing females, nor is she my idea of a national icon due to my upbringing and influences. It is because of the amount of debate that she alone brewed out of our uniform, boring and inherent stupidity in being Singaporean.

And oh, personally, I think she should not retain her crown too.

2009-09-07T13:21:00.000+08:00

In studying consumers, vicissitudes of the social environment trends have highlighted the speed at which online social networking interfaces such as Facebook and Twitter are adopted by web-users.

This visage of my thoughts serves to reflect the ghost of a decadent past. I dare do all that may become a man; who dares do more is none.

23 Year Old Arrested for Indecent Exposure

2008-11-13T18:51:00.003+08:00

A 23 year old full-time National Serviceman 2LT Jim Ham Sup was arrested by police today for taking off his pants and exposing himself to the public.

2LT Ham Sup was arrested by 2 off duty police officers outside the BreadTalk store at Junction 8 in Bishan. A 63 year old eye witness, Mdm Pah Jiao Liao said to this reporter that 2LT Ham Sup appeared "calm and collected, and looked like he knew what he was doing".

She also added, "Wha, that young man, ah, so brave! He come to the outside the BreadTalk then take off his pants, then WHA! I got shock you know! So BIG! I this type, hor, bad eyesight also can see, sia!"

A policespokesman later revealed that 2LT Ham Sup's military unit and superiors were contacted as well. She also revealed that when question, 2LT Ham Sup nonchanlantly explained that he merely did to so that he would be able to carry more donuts.

Deputy Public Prosecutor Bo Kang Zo has pressed charges against 23 year old, but is currently in talks with his superiors from the military. The hearing is set to be on 7th December.

The world is getting a bit too efficient.

2008-10-26T22:01:00.002+08:00

I get really pissed off with telemarketers. And sales people in general. They tend to be so efficient, cut-throat and emotionless at their job it just takes the humanity out of things.

Why can't I just go through ONE day of my life without having a Chinese lady call trying to sell me penis enlargement drugs or some insurance agent calling telling me I'm going to drown to death in my mug while drinking Booty Sweat and therefore I need insurance.

Efficiency and call centres irritate me. I mean I love Indians, in fact I love them so much I have lots of Indian friends. However, can companies PLEASE stop routing calls to some call centre Madanapalle and have the person on the other end repeat herself 139 times because I cannot understand her. But call centres rarely help, because at the end of the day, they advice me to "go down to dealer to seek assistance".

However, its not so bad if efficiency and call centres come together and when I call the Suicide Assistance Line one day, it routes me to Pakistan and the person on the other end gets REALLY excited and asks if I can drive a truck or am able to carry a 20kg backpack.

Singaporeans need to grow thy balls.

2008-10-15T23:53:00.003+08:00

Alright, admittedly, I haven't exactly been blogging. I'm sure even George Yeo's blog or perhaps even watching-grass-grow.com gets more hits than this graveyard of a blog, reminicent of a post-apocalyptic waste land with zombies wandering about feeding on hamsters and banging rhinos.

So, down to business. Lots of people laugh when I say I am Prime Minister material but I beg to differ. They NEED to read my post on being PM. I know I've lots of supporters.

I've also come to realise that Singaporeans are generally brainless. And whiny. Not like American-brainless but brainless-brainless. Americans just don't really know what 2 + 2 equates to and while thinking about that, they'll head off to McDonalds' and continue working it out over a supersized triple pounder cheeseburger.

On the other hand, Singaporeans are just dumb and need to grow some balls. Like king kong balls. Perhaps not IQ wise, but definitely in terms of EQ and common sense. Reading the Forums just proves my points. Dumbass whiny Singaporeans write in, take up expensive newspaper space which people pay THOUSANDS of moolah for, to complain that their neighbour's dog is crapping their front lawn. Or that the IRAS takes too long to put them through to a customer service operator.

The thing is, why write into the forums when you can get the bloody answers from the agency itself?

Well, the answer is simple. Singaporeans just want an avenue to bitch. Forums really defeats the purpose because the agency would just reply to the guy AND forums, wasting everybody's time when nobody wants to hear about how John got sold some faulty erectile dysfunction pills. That's what blogs are for! And shame to the editor who chooses such articles to go on Forums anyway. My 11 year old newphew could do an equally good job - by group letters together, assigning them a number, and then spinning a roulette wheel to see who gets to go on the paper.

So please, Singapore, have some self-respect, love yourself and spare others from having to read your trivial little grouses, there are many other things that need newspaper space, like how I'm not really happy that Singaporeans are whiny. Maybe I should write in.

Solely for the sake of my friend.

2008-05-24T14:51:00.003+08:00

As the title mentions,

http://dev.juzzweb.com/silosohotbods08/live/vote_listing.php?page=4&search=m

H23, Nelson. A vote would earn you a CHANCE for a kiss from him.

Getting 5 friends to vote, and you get a kiss and a CHANCE for a date with him, so what are you waiting for ladies? Vote now!

World Food Shortage hits singapore

2008-05-12T22:14:00.002+08:00

Over the past 2 weeks, as I plowed through the ration bags during lunch time for a ration box with a decent looking lunch, I've realised, in a very unsettling manner, that the food shortage has arrived here despite what the government and various agencies are saying.

Plowing through the towers of stacked ration boxes, the food inside is just barely edible. If you're a rat without taste buds and eyes that has not eaten for 7 weeks maybe. Summarising, there was nothing in there that a human being would voluntarily put into his mouth.

I highly suspect that the chefs employed by the cookhouse companies are all trained in Vietnam's jungles. Or maybe Iraq's deserts. Fried scorpion, steamed lice, braised monitor lizard rectum with a dash of cricket's legs as garnish. Everything that is inedible and rotting is fried or braised while anything that comes in big chunks (think elephant testicles) are boiled or steamed.

And all these I'm not kidding. Old folks might say "in my days the chicken was like a rock", but in those days they didn't have chemical warfare agents as well. A spoonful of chicken laced with unknown sauce X would be enough to wipe out part of the constituency of Ang Mo Kio. And maybe Bishan-Toa Payoh as well if it's potent. The pieces of bread served for breakfast would probably double up well as a makeshift flying gullitone boomerang which would slice your head clean off. And severe your hand if you try to catch it on its return path.

Why is it impossible to eat in SAF since the days of yore unless you bring a lunch box like primary school or pay money to eat a plate of fried rice at the canteen when the same amount of money can get you a 5 room HDB flat outside?

The worrying demise of our dear dear motherland.

2008-04-12T14:17:00.003+08:00

In the past few months, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong has been expressing serious worry about the lack of a successor from the next generation of ministers. Paying top dollar to policitial consultants, his cabinet, his advisors and his father, the sought to solve the grave problem.

As with most situtations, citizens are normally paid handsomely by the government who come up with ingenius solutions to complex issues, such as the naming of our budget terminal with The Budget Terminal, marina bay with Marina Bay and the congestion issues with further increasing the ERP charges. This time, I believe I have come up with brilliant idea to look for our next Prime Minister.

Then answer is out-source.

As with what the government always say, if we find a caucasian PM, he would be well experienced, well paid, have an expatriate status, stay in Bukit Timah and drive an Aston Martin, not to forget having studied in Oxford, and done post-graduate studies in Cambridge, Princeton, Harvard MIT and EVEN the Beijing University.

Well qualified, and definitely superior, especially when it comes to our perpetual sense of inferiority for some reason.

Then again, we can go to the other end of the spectrum, to China, India and Indonesia. These countries are equally qualified, competitive, have a strong drive to succeed and most importantly, will work more for less, instead of the typical whiny, whingy singaporean. Moreoever, they have had extensive experience in dealing with turmoil and unrest in their countries, so they would be able to handle the submissive singaporean's "protest" at the speakers' corner and the coffeeshop talk among the aunties, uncles and taxi drivers pretty easily.

There, no hassle of issuing Presidents' Scholarships, no problem of taking a long time to groom. Simply go to http://www.ebay.com/ and start an order that goes:

Wanted: Prospective Prime Minister for Singapore. Must smile a lot, know a number of languages and most importantly, be willing to wear white from head to toe.

Thou enlightenment

2008-03-01T15:52:00.002+08:00

I've never really been bothered by my blog title very much, until today that is. I've just been far too lazy to type my extremely long url into the address bar, so I went to all famous google and searched " GAY XXX! + blogspot" and it churned out these results, among others:

Link Details - Gay Xxx AdultYet another gay porn inspired blog. but with a twist - watch naked celebrities! Keywords: gay xxx adult blogspot celeb celebs celebrity celebrities porn ..

First gay sexYou'll like young gay twink Jaime in this XXX gay sex video - he gets that sexy, toned body from dancing, not just gay sex! - and Jaime is getting ready to ...

Hot Steamy Gay SEX! See it like you've never seen before - 2 toned delicious males with a huge willing horse gets them..

For people who frequent websites with the above-mentioned 3 descriptions, KEEP THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

The ape dildos

2008-02-23T02:06:00.004+08:00

For the first time in my life, I went to MOS, yes it's a bit dated I know, but I've been busy. But maybe because of all my negative perceptions of nightlife as well. The vomit, the drunkards, the fights and the smokes. Every time I got called out to party, I'd look at my organiser and go "sorry dude, my day's packed to the brim-gotta update my blog."

So anyway, I went with an open mind trying to absorb the sights and the sounds and all I can say is I was thoroughly entertained. By the primates around. The hype of nightlife is simply the epitome of overratedness. A salivating ape vibrating and jiggling his excess energy store rooted to the spot was the definition of dancing for majority of the male species of primates there. It somehow made me imagine a gorilla shaped dildo which was vibrating vigorously as it moved across the tabletop.

The dress code-what people wear to their neighbourhood pasar malam; tee shirts and jeans. For a second I thought I saw crocs shoes as well, but my old age and poor vision hindered furthur inspection. Good looking guys were as rare as a homo sapien durig the triassic, if any. It was mostly just little 18,19 year old kids breaking their curfew or sneaking out of the house while their parents were asleep. Perhaps even 16 or 17 year olds who go to the dodgy alleys of Joo Chiat to get a fake ID that names them "Peniston Toa Lang Jhiaou". Most there could ride on public buses and trains for free and/or had upcoming O/A Levels to worry about at the end of the year. Or maybe the next.

Well, in any case, I hate to admit it, but I like it. The entertainment, the hanging out with old friends over a beer and imagining ourselves in the same image 40 years later with a five month old baby made up of solidified lipids.

tristan for PM

2008-02-07T20:33:00.000+08:00

The Prime Minister went to our airport's new Terminal 3 today. On the very first day of the New Year. For those of you who say our ministers do nothing, shame on you. How many of you all actually have to work on the New Year? He does. He's paid a lot to do so, you're paid to do so.

This is going to be one of those primary school essays whereby little children write about what they would do if they were Prime Minister - Make the country nicer to live in, make everyone happy. More details would probably be evident if a JC student was the driving force behind the pen - lower taxes, more freedom, more rights, lower unemployment etc.

I however, would dissolve the parliament on Day 1. After all, for 10working months of the year, nothing seems to happen. And when they don't debate issues and all, everything is as per normal. National Serviceman men still report to camp, domestic workers and nurses continue to work and cleaners still have to, uh, clean. Then I'll head back home for a game or 2 of dota.

Day 2
I'll abolish National Service. After all, it's continually driven into our heads how technologically advanced our armed forces are. We just need a small group of radical people to sign on and man those very protoss-like equipment. We must also remember that we often host US ships as well, so we have them to cover our asses and protect potong pasir, hougang, sengkang, lim chu kang and kranji while our downsized SAF can protect Bukit Timah, Siglap, and the CBD. Then, I'll go on a short holiday to Australia.

Day 5
Back from Australia. I'll choose to attend some fundraiser event in some park for 2 hours and then head on home for a rest.

We all know that we don't need a government to run a country. After all, we all know the gist of what we've to do and follow some general guidelines. All we need really, is a guy with lots of common sense, give him a scholarship and then let him make the important decisions when needed, and when something big happens.

"Should we increase ERP charges?"
"Yes."

"Should we choose 'Budget Terminal' as the winning name chosen in the competition to name our new budget terminal and award the person $5000?"
"Yeah."

"Should we improve our transport system?"
"Not yet."

"Sir, it's been ten years, congestion has increased by 50%, should we improve our transport system?"
"Few more years, first."

Having tired myself out with serious business for the week, I think it's appropriate for another holiday. This time, to the UK.

Transport Ministry Overhauls Transport System

2008-02-03T23:29:00.000+08:00

The transport ministry has recently rolled out plans to have a major overhaul of singapore's transport system within the next two decades. Among these include improved bus and train services, a new north-south and marina expressway and also increased ERP charges and coverage and a lower number of Certificate of Entitlement or COE issued each year.

While it is too soon to accurately judge the efficacy of these plans, transport minister Do-Raymon D. Lim believes that it will improve singapore's congestion problems, which have been deteriorating since the 1990s.

Said Mr. Noact IonTal Konly, a spokesman for the Ministry of Transportation, Vehicular, Road and Expressway Charges and Tariffs, "The traffic situation has been getting worse since the 1990s, but we only took on the challenge of solving this complex, mind-boggling issue due to the rising ministerial salaries that we managed to recruit even better young intellectuals and retain the old, experienced ones to come together to solve this conundrum."

Commuters, drivers and as usual, taxi drivers were all in unified debate about the overhaul hours after the official announcement was made. Ms. Buay Siong Xin, a driver for 7 years shares her thoughts on the issue. " I don't believe this plan will be popular with singaporeans but I fully support it. We should use our cars just like our ministers' modus operandi! Make sure that they are not in use and do absolutely nothing until important events or we absolutely need to-like Chinese New Year or say, the elections! When we are going to vote la, of course."

Initial public support for the overhaul has been positive, especially by users of public transport. However, the plan has so far failed to be attractive for many drivers, who still find that the public transport operators are still too profit-driven and services too commuter-unfriendly, in an industry that is overly regulated to the benefit of the operators.

Singapore's World Class Transport System and its World Class Commuters

2007-12-27T21:23:00.000+08:00

I hav a problem, a very big one too. I've been on lots of bus rides these few weeks as I've been using my bus concession pass really well. The problem? I'm on them during peak hour.

Peak hour bus rides are rudimentry, crude and vulgar. People have indoor wrestling matches to get to sit down for a mere distance of one or two bus stops, ten minutes apart at most. People squeeze into non-existent gaps between others to get a good location on the aisle to camp for a vacant seat. Not to forget people who snore. Loudly. Very loudly. Bloody loudly.

The transport system is too world class for me. I'm sadly not a world class commuter. I've only got 1 year left to learn to be a world class commuter because by then, hopefully, I'd have become a driver.

Mother tongue is rubbish.

2007-11-28T14:23:00.000+08:00

Yes, mother tongue is bollocks, and so is the person with the President Scholarship and 4As, 3 distinctions and A1 who came up with the idea of Mother Tongue.

First of all, it is stupid that mother tongue is determined by race and ethnicity because hell, my mother tongue is chinese but I've spoken no more chinese than I have English in a typical day. I grew up speaking English, my parents quarrelled with me in English, I conversed with my friends in English and I sure as hell swear in English (excluding the new vocabulary that I recently acquired thanks to National Service, bah).

To put matters into perspective, the time taken for me to read out loud a chinese daily newspaper would be the time I take to read the entire Harry Potter series six times and the time I take to really read said newspaper would be the same as say, the amount of time from now till my son tells me "dad, you're old, senile and dysfunctional. I'm sending you to the Pak Soon Teng Kor Home for the Old and Useless."

I would like to think that my mother tongue is English. Afterall, I speak in English, think in English and dream in English. If my chinese tutor from college had bothered with her Pay-me-a-dollar-for-every-word-you-speak-in-English-during-Chinese-lesson, I swear she'd be on the Forbes Top 100 Richest Women in the world and she would probably be retired, sipping strawberry milk on a lawn chair in the Mediterranean now.

Hmmm, on that bombshell, that's a pretty disturbing thought.

Musings

2007-11-20T13:53:00.000+08:00

I've been wondering, since well, I've too much free time (as with everyone else) while doing national service. It's such a waste of time I go to camp to spend 2 days sleeping and approximately 8 hours on duty. Anyhow, I digress.

In the midst of my pondering and deep-thinking, I've come to realise that TCM is bullshit. Yes, traditional chinese medicine you cock-a-moron going "no, it can't be traditional chinese medicine, it helped my friend's auntie's neighbour's son's sister-in-law's neice's cousin treat atheletes' foot and urinary tract infection just by drinking ginger with minced boar snout mixed in exactly 376ml of chinese green tea at 96.3 degrees celcius made in the guimouna region somewhere in the mountains of China and Tibet".

Why is it bullshit you ask? Simple. Foot reflexology (I consider it part of TCM, you may not. So sue me) tells you which part of your body is screwed by pressing the little bits on your foot, yes? And it also claims that by pressing on these little special acupoints, somehow, through some reason which eludes modern medical science and the understanding of the best minds trained in biomedicine, it helps the affect parts of the body be it your liver, spleen, lungs, kidneys, testicles etc.

So my question is: which part of the foot do you press to locate a problem and heal, if the frigging problem is with your foot?

Top 10 Reasons Why NS should be abolished.

2007-08-08T23:04:00.000+08:00

10. NSFs fail to contribute to society as we are not able to spend as much as before;

09. It reduces vocabulary to a very small number to expletives;

08. Punctuations don't exist; they are replaced by expletives;

07. Money would be saved trying to publicise and promote NS;

06. A better drama serial could probably be screened on the primetime 9pm channel 8 slot;

05. It corrupts pure, innocent minds;

04. It promotes sexual fetishes with high authority dominating the pawns;

03. Medical Officers would have more time to attend to genuine cases;

02. Female friends would not feel left out when a bunch of guys are conversing;

01. A group of 18-20 odd year old guys together can never mean anything good.

Local Media busiest in region: survey

2007-07-31T18:37:00.000+08:00

A recent survey by the Society of Professional Journalists have revealed that journalists and reporters are the busiest in the region.

The report, which showed that unlike their counterparts from other countries and continents, local reporters had to start work as early as 7am in the morning. This phenomenon is due to the increased possibility of a road traffic accident occuring in the morning peak hour, a prized headline for the discerning reporter. This is unlike reporters from western nations who are allegedly "too lazy to get up in the morning to report on traffic accidents", said a reporter, who chose to remain anonymous.

Local journalists were also one of the busiest in the region with many articles to pen on a daily basis. Local journalists have had to spend hours each press day tirelessly slogging to pen articles on which foreign delegate is calling on singapore. Every so often, journalists will also have to do covers on how politicians take part in local events such as Plant-a-tree-to-show-you-love-nature and numerous other events.

Established Routes to Seek Redress

2007-07-19T18:29:00.000+08:00

The Siglap Automotive Federation (SAF) has today announced a new channel for its workers to seek redress and report wrongdoings against its staff, a spokesman said.

Outlining the basis of the implementation of the system, the company's Polish Public Relations Manager Colbe Nedic said that the SAF was a highly professional company and its Board of Directors want all matters to be settled internally and also efficiently.

The new system, which allows the employees to seek redress or act as whistleblowers, involves contacting their immediate superiors which will then forward the case up the chain of Length of Titles (e.g. Supervisor, Manager, CEO, VP and P).

Feedback from the workers of the Federation was not positive as a worker, who talked to this reporter on condition of anonymity said, "Eees not fairing, lah. This kind of thing, ah, I is telling you, is usingless one, lah. If I not happy with my supervisor or if my supervisor is taking 20mins more lunch breaking then us I go comprain to him about him, siao ah? I rather diam diam then go and kena, after all lucky my contract 2 years only, endure 2 years then I leave the company, lor."

Mr Nedic also emphasized that this system is still new and any changes to it are still possible, with increased feedback from its workers overtime, though Mr Nedic insists that most of the workers were extremely satisfied with the new system to keep supervisors in check.

I'm back!

2007-07-15T02:13:00.000+08:00

Hello ladies and gents who are left still reading this retired, forlorn, god forsaken blog for I am back at this ungodly hour that I FINALLY decided to get a google account after the bastards took over blogspot and put me through the agony of having to register everything all over again.

Anyhow, I am now into my last year of my teenagehood and that kinda stinks. Being a teenager allows you to blame growth, puberty, hormones, environment and the list goes on for being who you are. Irresponsible, leaving others to clear up the crap we've left behind at the dinner table(if we are even still there).

Angsty, feisty, foolish, downright stupid, rash, rebellious or simply just mindless. That's what being a teenager's about.

Hello adult world here I come. In the meantime, Ima gonna get a bottle of beer, smoke a couple of joints and take my dad's car out to go through stop lights at 120 while I still can.

Looking back.

2007-03-15T10:45:00.000+08:00

Life as an NSF has been slack so far. BMT has been kind. Even uniform group would be tougher than BMT now. What more can I say?

I m

9 days break. Time to catch up on my life.

Locked away.

2007-01-12T00:57:00.000+08:00

Ah, 'tis the time to mope around and suffer from depression at the eleventh hour. But fret not! I've cut, correction, shaved my head today and dammit I swear I look like Wentworth Miller.

Damn I look good. After all, chicks dig dudes like him and Justin Timberlake with his shaved head.

The bitches are gonna start ringing me up. I can hear my phone already.

See you all come Chinese New Year!

"%^@#&@$^# that sergeant $%$#%&^*&^$%# officer %@$#%&*&^", a prediction of my next post. We'll see.

Pacifier

2006-12-29T00:22:00.000+08:00

Ah, Christmas, the time of giving. So is the New Year. So guys, if you've forgotten to give your ladies a Christmas present, make it up during the New Year, give her something special from the heart. Afterall, a girl like her needs something real!

Quick check!

2006-12-26T13:52:00.000+08:00

Ah, I'm back to satisfy the cravings of all the tristan junkies. Little update here and there, but mostly just me being amused by life's quiddities and the generally odd mannerism of the typical singaporean.

My driving test is on 8 May way early in the morning at 0835hrs so keep away. Enlistment is on 12 Jan and my medical health is a little screwed up now, so listen kids! Don't do crack, pot, coke, or smoke joints! They aren't good for you!

Anyway, my reporters out on the streets have just submitted an article:

Health Problems an Issue
by WJ Teo

With the school holidays in full force, many youths are now packing the streets of Orchard Road and other events. Young punks with dyed hair with their Primary Two girlfriends are now a common sight at shopping malls.

A problem with the increase in the number of loitering youths would be the increase in number of heart failures of the elderly as Mr Jin Lao Liao, 64, describes, "You is seeing, ah. Nowsadays the school holiday on is ploblem also. Cause hor, now the buses and the MRT beri full, lor. Then the ah sohs all is cheonging up the buses and MRT lor. Like the Orimpicnic like that."

Local cardiologist Dr Li Zian Rong reveals to reporters, "There has been a sharp increase in heart problems since the start of the school holidays as the old folks rush to get seats on public transport. This problem has been further exacerbated by the fact that the local fare of food is not very condusive to the dietary requirements of the elderly and the meek. Therefore, I've recommended to my patients to have healthier meals, like say, for example, mee siam mai ham (mee siam without cockles), which is easier on their weak hearts."

The problem of increased heart failure cases is made worse by the recent plans to increase the local GST rate from the current 5% to 7% over the course of the next couple of years. With the increase in GST, more civil servants are eating more now so as to save money before the GST increases, among other reasons.

Local doctors are currently busy battling the situation as best as they can though it is recommended that potential patients visit hospitals in China or India, in compliance with the government's plans to outsource as much as possible.

Random Musings

2006-11-29T00:01:00.000+08:00

And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

Prison break

2006-11-22T22:18:00.000+08:00

After a week of waiting, the end is within sight after all the hundreds of hours of having blood-shot eyes, abdominal pains, headaches, frazzled hair (albeit the numerous bald patches), stinking breath and yellow teeth, body odour and stench, earwax as big as a small eraser, mucus dripping out of my nostrils and lice hopping around thanks to being held prisoner in my room.

The integration back into society would be tough after tomorrow, but being a firm believer of the Yellow Ribbon Project, I sincerely believe I can do it. Finally, I get to experience the life I want to, 2 years after being incarcerated.

Immediately after tomorrow thankfully, there's going to be a nice driving programme of at least 100mins of driving lessons each day non-stop before once again next year, I get shipped of to our local variant of Australia.

As for the final few hours of on-the-edge, psychopathic waiting, it's time to face papyrus' replacement once again.

My life is cool

2006-11-16T01:48:00.000+08:00

Ok, this is one of those no brainer what's-up-with-my-life-currently-it's-cool posts.

Anyway, I'm feeling under the weather, again. Not some wussified cold or what, but it's what got me hospitalised back in September, only this time the infection has brought a onset of fever and that sucks, because fever brings about shit like body aches and headaches with it.

I don't want to do my remaining papers in the hospital, that'll suck, albeit making the possibility of cheating easier.

Anyway, it's thursday today and that means like 89% of Singapore finish their As by tomorrow? So if you do, please do me a favour and keep your joy to yourself because people like me with S and all, sadly only end like next week.

So, if you've got too much time and energy, please, do me a personal favour and go wank in some corner or something.

Take a break, come relac.

2006-11-04T04:22:00.000+08:00

If you've been watching too much porn and wanking until your hand hurts, or simply studying too hard until you think about watching porn and wanking until your hand hurts, come and take a break with the follow hilarious pictures found by GAY XXX! off various websites, solely for your humour.

Sexual reproduction in plants. Indeed.

Tread carefully.

2006-11-01T19:41:00.000+08:00

As they say, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

English is important.

2006-10-15T00:16:00.000+08:00

As I have continously stressed, English is very important. Especially grammer and all. Typo errors constitute grammer as well, at least that's how the old men and women at Cambridge feel.

Example 1 (Reused from a previous post):
A) I had to help my Uncle Jack off his horse.
B) I had to help my Uncle jack off his horse.

Example 2
A) As a man, he wee wees.
B) As a man, his wee wees.

Note: According to Rosy(Rosi), wee is Scottish slang for small.

Example 3
A) Miss Yeo sends aid to small, starving boys in Africa.
B) Miss Yeo sends aids to small, starving boys in Africa.

GAY XXX! Q3 profits up

2006-10-14T00:33:00.000+08:00

With quarterly profits and popularity 0.03% above targets forecasted by market analysts, GAY XXX! CEO tristan has announced plans for diversifying and expansion. Profits were up by 2.3 points or 0.06% to 1.86 billion dollars (1.17 billion USD) in the last quarter alone.

"We recognise that the blogging and newsreporting arena is a highly competitive one, and in order to attract more readers and to encourage reader-forum interaction, GAY XXX! will be implementing new plans effective immediately" said Mr tristan.

Effective immediately, GAY XXX! has set aside an email account, I Need Gay Help, as an Aunt Agony column to provide verbal aid and professional advice to anyone who might be in trouble, though GAY XXX! has declined to comment on whether the help would be useful or not, or even if it would be condesending.

The pseudonym for the GAY XXX! help column will be "The Faux" and The Faux has been in education for 12 years, and has been counselling for 2 years privately. The first replies by The Faux will commence Monday, 16 October 2006.

Says Mr tristan, "Remember, everyone has problems and issues, that's what The Faux is there for. If you don't, your friends do. If they don't, their friends do! If they don't, I'm sure you can find some to send to The Faux - that's what he's paid for!"

Student sets new record

2006-10-07T16:25:00.000+08:00

The record for "Least number of Ink used in 2 years of college life" goes to none other than tristan who has only used 3 tubes of G2 0.5mm Ink refill in his 2 years in Junior College.

tristan, 18, reports using only 3 tubes of ink and is just half way through his fourth tube with 3 weeks left to his A levels. "The secret of using so little ink lies in not doing tutorials, tests and anything else. Do not be a secretary, do not take useless notes, especially those of GP lessons, and also, use other people's pen (or better still, get other people to do it altogether) during group work. To enhance the effect, do all tests and examinations in pencil too. Though the risk is a zero for the paper", reveals tristan.

tristan welcomes all future challengers and has wishes to thank his tutors for not failing and reprimanding him too badly for doing most (if not all) of his work in pencil. tristan will embark on a world tour after his A levels to promote ink mileage for a particular stationery brand.

Eat to lose weight

2006-09-28T17:11:00.000+08:00

A local JC student has recently bioengineered food items capable of assisting weight loss in humans. 18 year old Jin Gey Kiang, the engineer of the weight loss food items reveals to reporters that he intends to get his products patented to benefit from it socially and financially.

Said Gey Kiang, “I is wanting to photocopywrite the bioengine food so that can become like Tom Cruising and Brad Pits like that - both famous AND rich!"

The main driving force behind him wanting to get social recognition was mainly due to his GP tutors. In a humiliating incident, GP tutors in his college reveal a 'mistake' that he made in his GP essay by saying that GM Food was able to help curb the rising obesity numbers internationally.

"My GP tutors is not very the clever, sia. That time make me maloo in GP lecture say I write wrong, but is they is the wrong, sia!” lamented the 18 year old. It is proven that obesity has something to do with inherited genes, other than just an unhealthy diet. Apparently, GP tutors had mistaken the Gey Kiang's essay in GM Food as Genetically Modified Food, rather than Gey Kiang's recently engineered Gene Modifying Food, which is able to alter certain genes which affect obesity in humans.

Having failed his GP essay for the paper, Gey Kiang has since appealed for his script to be remarked, but has had his appeal turn down. Gey Kiang has also appealed to the Ministry of Education but has been told "not to waste public resources on such a trivial matter."

Gey Kiang has since lodged an appeal and civil suit with the High Court and will sue his GP tutors, college and the Ministry of Education for 'providing false information', 'corruption', 'unprofessional ethics' and 'wrongful dismissal (of his appeal cases to the college and MOE)'.

He is currently waiting for the High Court's decision on hearing the case.

Schools approve new teaching methods

2006-09-25T16:25:00.000+08:00

Since the inception of the Ministry of Education's (MOE) teach-less-learn-more method, schools have independently encouraged to use tried and tested methods to teach their students.

In a junior college, teachers are constantly reminded and encouraged during staff meetings to use creative teaching tools. A teacher in the school, Mdm. B. Iased, is particularly known amongst students for her favouritism towards certain groups of students and scorn for other groups.

One of her students, Tat-Bai Tio Meh, 19, told reporters, "That Mdm. B., ah, basket! Always mood swing and damn biased one, lor. She is not liking certain subject combining people and even among her own crasses, ah, she is liked some crasses more than others, lor. That tam she is come into the crass then bang the big big book on the table then say we all idiots, but aiya, she only keep saying we idiots the whole lesson and throw book on table only, lah. Luckilyly never tear up our work."

When contacted, Mdm. B. told reporters that it was actually a "harsh technique that will wake the students up" by calling them idiots. "Hopefully they will wake up because teachers don't normally call their students idiots, so by doing so, they might realise the level of their stupidi-, I mean, how far they are lagging behind students from other colleges", said Mdm. B. The display of favouritism is a ploy so that "students will work much much harder to score good results in an attempt to get back inside my good books", Mdm. B. revealed.

The school management has since refused to comment on the approval of such controversial teaching methods but claimed that "the ends justify the means".

2nd Editor-in-Chief quits GAY XXX!

2006-09-23T13:16:00.000+08:00

In a sudden twist of events, second Editor-in-Chief of a widely popular blog known as GAY XXX! has quit. Chief Editor tristan, who was on gardening leave at that time, cites professional differences between the two.

"That Jessica ah, wha nah beh think she very plofessional and her Engrish damn power, la, say my GAY XXX! too lousy for her. She is telling me that she got another job at the ang moh the that paper call what ah? Some diary at some prace call Wall Ave ah? Can't remember, lah" exclaimed tristan in a heated interview.

In recent months, there have been plans to expand GAY XXX! into a full fledged newspaper called The New Ah Beng Times, with stiff opposition from Jessica, who wished GAY XXX! to model itself after the all popular Reader's Indigestion.

In a telephone interview, Jessica told reporters, "I told tristan I wanted us to become something like Reader's Indigestion, so that when the readers DO get indigestion, they'll buy another publication we have filled with health tips. That way, we can earn more! But that tristan is so narrow-minded, only aiming for the singaporean market with his New Ah Beng Times. What bollocks!"

When inquired as to her whereabouts and possibility of a return, she said she was somewhere "across the world" and has already "obtained a contract with a popular and well-established American publication firm".

The future of GAY XXX! remains unknown with Chief Editor tristan on a medical tourism package in Thailand.

Signing Off.

2006-09-16T22:20:00.000+08:00

This is my last post. Thank you all for your support. (: GoodBye. Tristan is just a friend btw.

Top 10 Steve Irwin facts.

2006-09-14T11:00:00.000+08:00

Title says all!

10. Steve Irwin's favourite term was "Crikey!"

9. Steve Irwin had been criticised as a child abuser.

8. He single-handed wrestled the Merlion when it attacked singapore.

7. He was particulary interest in the Singapore Zoo - especially why every kid in Singapore seems to have visited the place no less than 17 times in school excursions by the age of 12.

6. His toughest animal / reptilian faceoff yet was with the Merlion.

5. He killed the Merlion by dragging it's fish end out of the water where it died, and then plunging the lion end into the water and drowning it.

4. Was afraid of parrots.

3. Was concerned about how the Singapore Zoo claimed air-conditioners were sufficient for polar bears to survive in their enclosure.

2. Protested to the Singapore Tourism Board's idea that the Merlion statue should spit water from it's mouth to display it's death by drowning - hence all the water to expel from it's lungs.

1. Steve Irwin doesn't that Top 10 facts, only 9.

Overdose.

2006-09-14T02:28:00.000+08:00

When you study too much, you tend to do shit, like this:

Unleash the beast.

2006-09-13T23:55:00.000+08:00

After my A levels and I'm all done with S on the 23rd of November, I swear I'd do the couple of things:

1. Get wasted - on a carton of booze

2. Complete my 20 odd driving lessons within 2 weeks give or take a few days

3. Leave my hair so bloody long I can cover my body (BEAT THAT PAUL TWOHILL!)

4. Learn to dive, AND take defensive courses against stingrays, among other creatures

5. Get wasted

6. My hardcore workout regime of at least 4hours finger exercises on the new workout machines Keyboard 6000 and TV/Cable Remote Control Y323B

7. Plunder my dad's wallet

8. Meet some girls (for purposes of having more friends, what else?)

9. Abuse Subutex (LOL)

10. Get wasted

5 smokescreens.

2006-09-11T11:33:00.000+08:00

5 Blog title reads GAY XXX!
I used to be a girl, then I became a guy, so technically, Jess and I are gay (as in generally homo lah).

4 Details of contributors
We met under the most muggeristic circumstances. With Jess loaning me her prized possessions, albeit a little deformed, but I shaped them back nicely for her.
Dates: 18 November 2004. My last day of O levels. Not sure for Jess though.

3 Topics Discussed
Today, Jess posted 5 signs, while I posted 5 smokescreens. We really felt bo liao and amused. She then went to school (I think) while I went for my prelims. We enjoyed ourselves. A lot.

2 Visual aids
Jess and I horsing around during our free time:

Then I decided to dye my hair so I could have the same hair colour as Jess to flaunt our status of togetherness:

1 FACT
I coined the phrase ' incestuous pair!'

Ramblings.

2006-09-10T15:09:00.000+08:00

Taken from Formula1.com:

2 of the 3 fastest men on Earth - Present and possibly future of Ferrari, to my dismay.

Top 10

2006-09-07T08:25:00.000+08:00

Top 10 signs that you're a gay Singaporean:

10. You own pink underwear.

09. You enjoy wearing swimming trunks even though you're older than 12.

08. You don't know the meaning of heterosexual.

07. You exclaim that Boy George and Jon Moss were a better pair than Brad and Jennifer.

06. Wearing Scottish kilts make you feel natural.

05. You think Dick Lee is more attractive than Paul Twohill.

04. You are indifferent towards Paul Twohill.

03. You can't wait to experience communal showering in NS.

02. When I tell you Keira Knightley is hot, you tell me you think Elton John's hotter.

01. You think www.gayxxx.com is the hottest, steamiest website around instead of GAY XXX!

Safety of students top priority

2006-09-03T22:15:00.000+08:00

Students are a school's top priority, said Mrs. Naut A. Lound, Principal of a junior college in Singapore.

At the inaugural ceremony of a safety barrier at the school's main gate, Mrs. Naut said in her speech, "This barrier here, is as a result of diverting funds from other areas which are deemed not as important to students as compared to (their) safety. These areas include air-conditioning, water pressure in toilets, duration of a flush of toilet bowls and availability of lights in the dining hall in the morning."

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Education, Mr. Boh Lor Yong agreed with Mrs. Naut. "There is no pointing in give the students so many nice things what. Imagine if after they pang sai got water to wash hand, badden no barrier nau sabe, also no using right?"

Already, conspiracy theorists are staking claims that there is more at stake than simply providing security to the students. Zhao Sku Kia, 18, told reporters, "The ballier, ah, not only keep the strangerings outside, lor. But then, hor, the stupid ballier also making the students cannot zhao school before 1240hrs easily, lor. Last tam, hor, can just dash out like that, not cannot. Must either go under side the ballier or go through the side. Likes that is easier to kena the security auntie catch. You don't seeing her pui pui cannot run. Basket, that time she chase me already then tackle me to the ground, ah, I macham die, sia!"

Another extremely witty, charasmatic, attractive and good-looking student of the school, who spoke to reporters on condition of anonymity, said, "Our school is already so ulu, there is no need for a barrier. Being in this school is already safe enough because no one will bother driving or even walking, for that matter, to school."

Analysts calculate that per opening and closing of the barrier, more electricity is consumed than powering a light for 15 minutes. This has sparked unrest among the students that the barrier is merely a cosmetic enhancement, not providing any real security.

The new barrier is expected to remain in service until 2015.

Tabloid.

2006-08-30T23:11:00.000+08:00

After intense interrogation and hours of being detained, reporters of GAY XXX! have received warnings from anonymous tipsters that a crack down of the municipal police on Freedom of the Press and Freedom of Expression will be occuring soon, with immediate and temporary effect, tabloid reports shall run the news.

The Editor
GAY XXX!

Today's News:
-Censored by GAY XXX! due to extreme shame of statement- says:
i think my taste degrade so much that i like looking at chubby girls now

The Iceman. says:
WTF.

The Iceman. says:
PLEASE tell me you're not looking at Mdm Mas FFS.

6 Students detained

2006-08-27T16:08:00.000+08:00

6 students have been detained under the SSS Act and will be held under municipal police custody until 8pm local time tomorrow. This comes after a series of partisan posts made by students on an online forum commonly known as Must Lull Gangbangers (MLG).

Mr Kor Lup Ted, municipal police commissioner, said, " The students is thought we never checking the board, but we clever, we pretend never checking, until the students mouth loose loose already, talk partysen nonsands that time then we 1 shot all catch! That will teach the students not to anyhow talk coc-, I mean, talk rubbish about the school and that the MLG is a place for construction comments, not slander."

The 6 boys did not receive a trial as the Act allows detaining individuals for up to 3 hours at the discretion of the Commissioner. According to our sources, 1 of the 6 boys is student rights activist Si Oh Deng. Rumours are amock in school that this is the start of a schoolwide crackdown on students who challenge municipal policies.

Students' rights group, Lin Lao Hia, has issued a press statement condemning the detention as an act "against basic student rights, an abuse" of the controversial SSS Act and "despotic control of freedom of expression on the students' forum. Elected President of Lin Lao Hia, 17 year old Wa Lan Aeh, has promised swift action to free the detained students.

The municipal police has since placed PR consultant, Mdm Bu Yao Ting, in charge of addressing the complains of students.

Local teachers care: students

2006-08-26T23:24:00.000+08:00

With Teachers' Day coming up in less than a week, preparations in schools across the country are in full swing. Many students have also taken this opportunity to give thanks to their teachers, many of whom impacted their lives greatly.

Pon Teng King, 18, who is a junior college student, told our reporters that he has had overwhelming experiences with his tutors. " My teacher is very caring and nice to me, she knows that I've another 67 days to the A-levels and she tells me that there is no need to celebrate Teachers' Day at all and that she'd rather me study", said Teng King.

Teng King, like many other junior college students across the island, is taking his teacher's advice to heart and are thus not attending their respective schools' Teachers' Day celebrations come this Thursday and Friday to study.

Operations Manager Mr Boh Lor Yong, who corresponded with reporters via email, said, “This is actually a plan put forth by our Expenditure Evaluation Executives and its aim is to indiscriminately ask students to skip school. We're thus expecting quite a number of students to skip school on their own accord. This would allow us to reduce electricity costs on the 2 days while allowing the school not to shoulder any blame for the students' absence."

Nation wide, schools are already expecting a low turn out of students on the 2 days, and have said that they would "look into any absence with valid reasons seriously" and are also "ready to dish out harsh punishments."

Schools engage in war on terror

2006-08-25T13:46:00.000+08:00

A number of schools have released press statements today citing an entry into the war on terror. This follows a recent spate of violence in educational institutions across Singapore.

Mr Fu Ou Chit, a hard-line disciplinarian, who has also been eyeing on the position for Discipline Master in his school for a long time explained, "To combat this problem, we have declared war on terror and will be taking measures under our SSS Act to keep students safe and free. Liberty and freedom is most important in our school and nothing can take that away."

When questioned about the recent spate of violence in school, student Jin Kia Si, 17, cringed to reporters, "I not feel safe! The people other days just take the prate anhow anhow throwing there and here. So wasteful can feed the hungry, lor. The jeepy tutors every time tell me povty povty then the people here is wasting the food!"

Mr Fu also shared with us his strategies on combating terrorism in schools, "I will make sure that everyone who is detained under the SSS Act will be made to shave their head at the barber, like me. Like that, kill 2 birds with 1 stone, no hair problems also."

Mr Fu, who tried to implement a controversial Bill in the Constitution citing all males will have to be shaved bald, faces stiff resistance from the electorate. Disgruntled students showed their unhappiness by boycotting the teacher. Said 16 year old Guai Lan Zai, "He is wholly day and nighting spending his broody timing catching people with hair, he think what? Military school, ah? Not only Pre-U now also Pre-NS course for boys is it? That cockanaden every time trying to get we all to cutting his hairstyling but is so Ah Beng like that, lor!"

It remains to be seen if the war on terror could produce any results, and analyst say that it is likely that Parliament and the Judiciary will end the war in months or even weeks due to rising costs and manpower constraints.

Schools adopt truncated timetable

2006-08-25T01:42:00.000+08:00

In a recent spade of events, most schools have now adopted a truncated timetable in view of upcoming national examinations.

Mdm. Tam Teh Ber, a senior teacher at a junior college revealed the reasons behind the change, "Actually, the change is so that students can spending more tam to self revise their study at home, lah. But ah, the main reason is that we can reduce the amount of time students will spend in school, lor. Like that, hor, then is together buddy buddy with our current campaign to save electricity to cutting the costs, lor."

Utility experts estimate that such a move could possibly save up to $1000 a month if administered with full effect.

However, implementation of the plan has been tough. "A lot of the teachers, hor, is making the students staying back after school everyday. Like that, ah, is not very conducive to our plans, lor. Some more make them stay back later until the old tamtaber sometimes, is defeating the purpose, lor", Mdm Tam explained.

The benefits of the new timetable can yet be seen and already, many students are lamenting about the timetable. 18 year old Bo Deng Chu told reporters, "We stay back in school so late sometimes, I think build tent stay in school better can wake up later some more. Actually maybe I will do that, lah. Give us short tamtaber also making us stay back so late. No use one, lor. Is liking you PCC somebody then stop before the airloplane is taking off, make people bang balls only!"

Schools ban makeup

2006-08-23T23:06:00.000+08:00

In a shocking twist of events, schools have announced a total ban on makeup, rendering students who use them likely to face municipal prosecution. The law, passed on the 20th of this month, shocked many.

Mr Jiang Fei Hua, Discipline Head at a particular northern institution explained, "We passed this law in view that it is the 7th month. We don't want students with makeup on, even males, to disguise themselves and use seats on the first row which is reserved for you-know-who."

Students contravening this new law are liable to be detained under the new Specialised Security Service (SSS) Act. "Students who do not abide by the new rule may be detained for a period of 3 or more hours in a holding classroom under the strict supervision of our rehabilitation tutors", said Mr Jiang.

A student of the school, Si Ah Gua, 17, lamented to reporters, "Huh! I always use makeup one, lor. Especially lipstick and eye shadow! I is actually doing something about the Changi jetty people for the si lang project work. But now, hor, they is ban the makeup then my project work sure fail already, lah."

A majority population of the school’s electorate has convened with their leaders at the termly Parliamentary meetings but any changes to the ban are bleak. An ex-councillor, who spoke on condition on anonymity, revealed, "Aiya actually Parliament all that is like the white elephant one, lah. Like the Buangkok like that. Must wait until everyone protest and put cupboard elephant all over school then Management notice. But ah, quite scary also scully later we all kena the SSS Act then si liao loh!"

Despite this, a mass rally is planned early next month by students who wish to abolish the new law.

Corruption widespread in schools: independent survey

2006-08-23T13:11:00.000+08:00

An independent survey company has published its recent report on corruption among public schools in Singapore. Among them, a staggering 67.9% of schools showed a positive trend for corruption.

Mr Bu Ke Kao, President of MakeBelieve Pte Ltd, the company which carried out the investigation, said, "Aiya this kind result where got shocking, last tam when I small boy also the deserprine master also take rotan airnee how airnee how boot people, of course corrupted, lah. But ah, I tot percent will go down but still never, sia."

Mr Bao Tou King, a recently retreched teacher in a newly opened public school with high latitudal values in Singapore revealed some truth behind the results.

"Prease lah, correc so much money for the air-kon correc until the students all so pek chek, I see them like that have to study and ask for money heart also pain. In the end, money for air-kon also disappear go buy like the expressway EMAS system like that. Too bad never say got upcoming Management to siam or not", said Mr Bao.

Students at the newly opened school also believe that there might be a slight possibility of corruption. A student, Jin Buay Song, 18, revealed to our reporters in a small consultation room which lacked air-conditioning facilities, "I think is damn true, lor. Our LT (lecture theatre) always no air-con, basket. Then hor, very hot, lor. Even if got air-con, macham also no air-con cause on so small then always on late off early one, man. We pay schooling fees for no use like that, one."

The Head of the School Liaison Office at the Ministry of Education, Mr Zhao Jin Kin, was uncontactable at press time.

PM tristan - tristanisia National Day Rally Speech 2006.

2006-08-20T17:56:00.000+08:00

My fellow singaporeans, the year 2006 has been a good one for us. Unemployment is down, reaching a record low of x% in y number of years. Income for singaporeans earning less than $1500 a month is also up by about $30 on average.

COE prices went down before the elections, and went back up only slightly (right after the elections nevertheless). ERP prices and taxi fares also went up by a lot, but for a good reason - to cope with the increase in number of commuters.

This year, my party has the slogan "Let's move ahead together, but of course we need to stay together while leaving some behind because it's how society functions". I need to thank you for your continued support and we will ensure that there is a constant flow of good leaders into the party, and more young faces will hopefully soon be taking office.

I would also like to congratulate the nation on battling the war on drug abuse together. Through the lack of foresight on my part and also my other ministers, Subutex had been made made legal for free administration for heroin addicts without much thought because I was too caught up with other much more important matters, like taking my basic theory for that matter. I would like to thank all singaporeans for their combined effort to put this drug away under the watchful eye of the authorities.

The birth rate of singapore is also a growing cause for concern for my government. The replacement rate is at 2.1, but we are currently at 1.9. My ministers once again, fail to see that the reason why people are having fewer children is due to the high cost of living and the infant bonus is absolutely useless as they can at most purchase a few packs of diapers and a few tins of milk. Please, have sex, have more kids, I know we don't practise what we preach but I emphasize that you really need to have more kids.

This year, singapore was thrust into the international scene where people have come to realise the prowess that we, a small red dot on a map can wield. We, a small country, attained international fame where we became famous at the World Cup 2006 and won the many respect of other great nations like Brazil, England, France and Germany because we have a great team over in Germany representing us. Unofficial sources even confirm that we emerged tops, as we have the best referee at the World Cup who did not give out 2 yellow cards and a red before sending a player off the pitch.

In singapore, we are hosting the IMF meeting this year sometime soon. We have launched a programme where we encourage you all to smile at the foreign delegates and tell the cab drivers to wear cologne because singaporean generally don't know how to groom themselves and need governmental assistance in every single aspect.

People say that we are not an open country, but we are; as can be seen that we allow demonstrators and protestors. On condition that they apply for a permit with the police force and keep each demonstration under 5 people. Demonstrations are also not allowed on or within 20 metres of public roads in case they cause obstructions. Parks, public and private buildings are also off limits, in case of damage to buildings and obstruction to pedestrians. Hospital, schools and embassies are also off limits as the noise generated will hinder the inhabitants from their rest and work.

The riot police are also on hand in case the situation gets out of hand. We they will be using pepper spray rifles and also water cannons, coupled with other highly classified and I'm sure very safe weapons. The army is also on high alert and are ready to be mobilised should the need arise.

Look at Israel; currently they are once again involved in a state of war with its neighbours. The current war is proving costly for both Israel and her neighbours, with both financial and casualty numbers rising fast. They're problems are deeply rooted but for singapore, we have prosperity, peace with our neighbours and we have a bright future. Our people want a better future and people wish to come to singapore to live, work and play. This is only possible with the togetherness that singapore display on the surface and our love for our country, as can be seen during the sudden rise in patriotism and nationalism during the national day period and dropping sharply after that.

With the current situation, we have every reason to believe that singapore will do very very very well in the future, especially if good governments which provide a constant flow of good, young leaders to serve the nation. These are the people that you should vote for because they will upgrade your lifts and lower the COE prices so you can buy new cars once every 5 years then pay more ERP. We are united as one people, one nation and one singapore, thanks very much to our very successful policies and quiet, abiding citizens. With this, singapore will definitely have a much longer road to travel. Thank you very much.

Author's note: I wonder how much actually overlaps the realy speech. Am I clairvoyant or what.

A small step for me, a huge step for McLaren.

2006-08-17T16:47:00.000+08:00

A picture is indeed worth a thousand words, sometimes even more.

Slow and Slower.

2006-08-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

The less intellectually capable have asked me about what exactly are those things that I like about singapore. Fools.

Here's a hint : Acronyms.

If you still don't get it, the answer is located in your bottom left hole of the 3 holed power plug. But you've got to use a metal rod to prod the answer out. Oh, and don't forget to on the switch, then it'll be shocked out.

Oprah's the messiah.

2006-08-11T00:00:00.000+08:00

I personally think Oprah is stupid. I'm sorry girls (dudes, if you watch Oprah, you need a bloody life. Go get some crystal meth or something) but it does not float my boat at all.

It seems that the new generation of aunties are currently undergoing development. Gone are the days of Taiwanese soap operas which air for 72 years (reference to Days of Our Lives) and bald headed dudes called Ah Chengs which aunties are lusting after.

The new breed of auntie in the future mops the floor and watch Oprah. Oh the tragic sadness of blah blah blah's life. Oh scientists and experts say that if your head isn't exactly pi times 10 divide by 6, Cos ANS = 0, then, you've got a stuck up constipated piece of shit up your ass. Damn!

People who watch Oprah ought to be shot.

Anyway, one should always wonder why she is so horridly biased against certain issues and relate these to her audience base. Simply put, she's catering to what their appetites desire deep down inside, manifesting and growing until it consumes them one day.

Just to end off, think of how she got rich in the first place, and why on earth she is still single. ROFL. Because she believes that SINGLEHOOD IS THE WAY TO GO. Therefore, Oprah is indeed the messiah - for aunties and stay at home moms.

Now all the cultists are going to spam me. Great, just great.

We're not getting any younger.

2006-08-10T02:35:00.000+08:00

I am a patriot. I love singapore so much that I hang up a lot of flags every National Day. But, the wind very strong, so, my flags always get blown away. This 41st birthday of our fair little miserable little land mass, I have dedicated 41 things I love about our 64 kilometre squared piece of soil.

1. Super Bloody Slow, who can live without it?
2. Seriously, Massively, Really, Torpid
3. More Information Censorship Agency
4. Collect Our Entitlements
5. Every male must go for No Survivors
6. The Individual Safety Act, which is enforced by the
7. Individual Safety Department
8. Perpetually Answering Platitudinously
9. Please Tekan Commuters
10. No Learning Belt
11. Here Dwells Bozos
12. Excessively Dysfunctional Board
13. I Really Anal Singapore
14. Must Order Excruciation
15. Let's Triple Accounts!
16. Social, Political Hookup
17. I Catch Aliens
18. Super Airy Faction
19. Stupidly Leave Areas
20. Useless Rebuilding Agency
21. Actually Very Alarming
22. So Damn Pekcek
23. Catch No Brainers
24. Must Hound Assholes.
25. Establish Real Poverty

Ok I've got like 16 more to go but my brain is utterly in a state of disjunction. Once again, I wish our fair sunny solidified slab of manure a happy 41st birthday, and I've also written a poem in it's honour, but I can't seem to locate it anywhere.

I've also discovered that National Day is a very good time to go out, especially when 50 000 idiots are cooped up at the Stadium and many thousands more littered around the Kallang area for free fireworks and even more stuck on to their tv screens watching men in white sing the national anthem and a sumo circle the stadium. It really frees up a lot of space on the buses and the malls.

Anyway, I want my car.

Hitch.

2006-08-06T12:41:00.000+08:00

Everytime I look at my poor male counterparts, they are always procrastinating about how they are unable to land a particular chick. So anyway, I thought I ought to give them a hand lest they jack themselves and put the entire male species to shame.

Though I normally advocate singlehood, I guess sometimes it is a little hard to keep to the rule. So basically, I've came up with a set of laws, listed below in decreasing order of importance.

The tristan Dogma of Successful, Professional Relationships
Rule 1 : Singlehood is the way to go.
Rule 2 : If Rule 1 cannot be followed, at least get a partner outside school.
Rule 3 : If Rule 2 cannot be followed, return to Rule 1.

Ok anyway, if you still refuse to adhere to my laws and court certain death, here's a few tips to my average frustrated male counterparts. Firstly, girls like confident guys. Guys with confidence prove that they have something to offer. Secondly, friendship is important. Do not go after a girl knowing that you'll just forgo the friendship if you don't manage to land the chick. And thirdly, NEVER, under any circumstances, EVER ask her to be your girlfriend if you 2 aren't even friends (Friends ≠ Strangers or acquaintances).

So anyway, I've listed out the pros and cons of a relationship.

Pros:
You know, the usual bull on experiencing love, someone who understands you blah blah and the boatload of horse manure.

Cons:
Only 1. What horse manure?

Singlehood IS the way to go.

Update:
1. Basic Theory Test is on 17th Aug.
2. Final Theory Test is on 1st Sep.
3. Driving lessons to start soon.
4. Car on the way.
5. Leet.

A day in history.

2006-08-01T22:56:00.000+08:00

Though I can't really remember what the hell happened on this damned day back in history, I've been blog hopping from one to another of my secondary school mates, and damn, do I miss them.

How on earth did I manage to forget all the fun we ever had. Wished I've gone to the same college with them rather than drop everything for bio. But, hell.

This is going to be the most emotional post you'll ever get to read from tristan. It's sub-zero.

And Joshua, if you ever through some miracle read this, I miss you too ROFL.

Everything's there for a bloody reason.

2006-07-25T20:11:00.000+08:00

You know, Man really likes to "play god" (small "g"), an overused term by overzealous GP students from where I come from. It almost disgusts me, almost. At times, maybe even humiliatingly humourous. But what the hell, who can resist a good laugh?

Anyway, there is a reason why god gave us our own characteristic and not another. Trying to temper with such predetermined architectral designs could possibly result in the incurrence of divine wrath, and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, a woman hath no fury like PMS, uh, I mean like divine wrath.

People debate on all their lives until their teeth care replaced with plastic and their arthritis and rheumatism sets in about how medical science and technology and all helps, but at the end of the day, there is a reason why god didn't give Asians blonde hair.

A moment of folly on my part to succumb to dyes has resulted in an eternity (a day) of itch that I could bear no longer during bio tutorial and thus I gave in to my itch.

Possible AWOL.

2006-07-23T11:48:00.000+08:00

In the coming days, I'd most probably be missing, due to my cooperative router which is just about as cooperative as the Principal giving in to our protests to get a new uniform to wear.

Wireless is up, wireless adaptor works fine, but no connections detected.

Excellent, just excellent, now all I can do is be a Chee Shong.

The truth often hurts.

2006-07-20T00:39:00.000+08:00

It really sucks, when you are trying to calculate the percentage you've got for your subjects, and your calculator decides to just help you calculate the grade of all your A level subjects (with GP nonetheless) instead of the percentage.

The scientic power of man has indeed surpassed his sense of propriety.

Did you know?

2006-07-17T18:54:00.000+08:00

Did You Know?

Minesweeper:

The official record for
Beginner: 1 second
Intermediate: 10 seconds
Expert: 38 seconds

Note: The timer goes to 1 immediately on the first click, rather than actually counting 1 second.

Talk about needing to get a life!

I'm back!

2006-07-17T17:58:00.000+08:00

Ahh finally! The musty smell of my computer and the chair that I've sat on for so many hours. I've been absent so long that the outline of my ass on the chair is actually fading, much to my horror. The fart smell is also dissipating as well, much to my relieve.

Anyway, I've been gone for so long because I've had to undergo numerous operations due to some let ups that the stupid surgeon did. I'll let you in on a peek as to what happened to me after one of the operations, as you can see, things didn't go very well when my member stuck of of my thigh:

P.S. Thanks to everyone who wished me my happy drunk 18th birthday, including the hypocritical bastards who need electronic machinery and software to remind them. Thanks all the same!

P.P.S tristan will take his BTT on 17th August!

Yet another prospect.

2006-06-22T18:59:00.000+08:00

You know, I swear I am being totally pure in terms of my thoughts and all, but marketing and advertising crew deliberately and despicably like to play around and mess up the stuff inside people's minds (like me NB Read Disclaimer).

Just today, I was in the National Library and guess what? singapore, being a very cultural and arty farty place and all, has put put up a few upcoming theatrical play's posters at the National Library!

The little cheeky advertising people did this:

You know, subliminal messages are such a hoax, makes you think for nothing. Drains you mentally. I mean, you look at a picture, and you see a woman with her mouth wide open holding up a damned sign that proclaims "I Heart BJ".

I know, she loves Big John, she loves, Bulky Jocks, Black Jack, Nouvelair Tunisia and all. But such a proclaimation obviously sparks thoughts in the minds of cheeky little adolescents!

But fear not, the sign actually reads:

N.B. JBJ's the name of some character in the play. A politician of some sort.

Just as a note to all my readers and big advertising and marketing firms out there, I would like to apply for a job in the same market. I believe I can do very very well there.

Heh.

Enlightenment.

2006-06-19T22:08:00.000+08:00

How does one complete 30 chemistry essay questions in a span of less than 9 hours?

I figured, you don't!

Metamorph time!

2006-06-17T20:24:00.000+08:00

All right! It's the time of the day to take out the chips, drinks, and all other bullshit to be ready to be a couch potato for a night of exciting soccer action with

Portugal v Iran 9pm
Czech Rep v Ghana 12am
Italy v USA 3am
Japan v Croatia 9pm tomorrow!

I've originally planned to dedicate 10 bucks a game, but after looking at the evens, I've decided it's just a waste of my time and I should instead use the money on some condoms so as to pick up some chick who's celebrated the victories of world cup just a little too much to drink.

Cheeky!

My brother has balls.

2006-06-16T02:17:00.000+08:00

If you don't already know, Spongebob's fortunate enough to share the same birthday as me. If you have no idea when it is, you ought to be sent to the hanged, drawn and quartered.

Anyway, as you all know, Spongebob's full name is Spongebob Squarepants. Though he is generally square, it does not mean that he has square balls like most people would think! Though balls are called balls for a reason, some less cerebrally capable individuals would think otherwise.

Luckily for me, I have been blessed with wide networks and vast resources and I've stumbled across definitive evidence that spongebob the dude has normal spherical balls!

Now we know why, despite being 2 years older than me, spongebob still sounds like a kid.

Knowledge, knowledge, knowledge!

2006-06-14T02:04:00.000+08:00

Did you know?

1. That since the dawn of aviation, men have always been the dominating gender for commercial piloting roles

2. The average man speaks only around 2000+ words a day while an average woman speaks around a whopping 8000+ words a day!

The crazy explanations as provided by tristan!

1. Men have 3 eyes.

2. Women have 2 lips.

Still waters run horribly deep.

2006-06-10T11:23:00.000+08:00

For those of you who listen to Mr Brown's very first Zhng My Car series, remember how Johnny said that all the "Singapore Proton all bruff people one" and that "Malaysia the Proton, the spoiler BIGGER than the car, wind brow the car fry backwards"?

And then again, remember the picture that Mr Brown had post on his blog about the car with the big exhaust? I don't really trust the authenticity of that photo though. Seems photoshopped or something. However, when I went to Malaysia, I swear to god, I saw for my own eyes, the bloody protons had exhausts so big I could put a baby's head inside and the spoilers were DAMN big. It sure puts the singaporean rice burners and their spoilers to utter shame.

In the past, I wouldn't be able to back up my claims. But now, with my leet phone with it's 2MP camera, all I can do is smile right now.

So people, next time if you ever drive up to Malaysia again, please don't ever despise the Protons there and race with them. You'll just get your ass raped, that I can promise you.

Misleading Ads.

2006-06-06T23:36:00.000+08:00

Ok, this is not that extremely funny post, but I thought this ought to be up. Oh, and this is also compliments of my now 1 week 3 day old Motorola Razr V3X with it's leet 2MP camera. I know there are way better ones out there, but it sure beats Aaron Tan's VGA camera on his phone!

Anyway, I here I was, innocently dining at Ajisen yesterday, when something caught my eye! A subliminal message! Aha! Being the Shirlock Holmes and da Vinci detective dude that is able to read too much into things, I whipped out my cam and started to investigate:

What on earth would look flesh coloured, long and cylindrical in shape, and seems to have a round headed top?

Upon much closer inspection, ah, the all new Crayfish Ramen voted number 1! Must be extremely tasty, juicy, fleshy, succulent and delicious!

You know, since the day I lost my childhood innocence, I have only come to know such stuff as:

1. Gonad

2. Cock

3. Dick

4. Penis

5. Little Brother

6. Birdie

But never, ever, have I in all my 18 years (soon) of life, ever heard of the male reproductive anatomy as

Damn, Crayfish?

I'll pass the da Vinci certified Jump-to-conclusions Specialist Investigator test now. That look fantastic on my future applications to be a crapweaverazzi. I can now officially screw my A levels. I've got a well paying job.

Updates, updates, where are thou?

2006-06-04T00:32:00.000+08:00

Ah friends, blognospheric netizens, planetmen! I am back, with nothing more than to tell you to stay tuned to an update so BLOODY hilarious, I assure you, you will need to carry your ass to the ER.

(For those who are slightly less intellectually advanced, does "laugh my ass off" ring a bell?)

It is time.

2006-05-25T22:59:00.000+08:00

The time has come yet again, whereby a Bernoulli trial occurs whereby I will either own, got get owned.

I'd much prefer the former thank you very much.

Back then, young man.

2006-05-18T23:58:00.000+08:00

You know, now that the monsoon season's kind of over, I kind of miss having the days whereby it was cool and wet and rained everyday. This heat only serves to perpetuate the my suffering in my fire and water resistant uniform fit for an SCDF training suit.

Then again, the down side of the rain is the presence of the flash floods. You know how the monsoon seasons everytime bring about flash floods and mudslides in Thailand, China and all? I know that feeling.

Everytime it rains, the entire school seemingly becomes one with nature. One too many oasis can be found around every corner, while stairways seemingly become a scale model of the Victoria Falls. The blotches of grass turn into the pre-developed area of Jurong, and the bookshop turns into a castle, fully equipped with a moat, but without the drawbridge of course.

Remember how people of the older generation always compare their time and modern day? Well I certainly do. It almost seems like they always mention about how lucky we are to have education, and that for the rare few that do get education back then, the school compound was horribly rickety and barely had roofs as water would be seeping through it. Well, I for sure, know how that feels. To me, having a school made out of zinc plates and concrete is no difference than having a mud hut with dried grass for the roof. Hell, the materials are many million times more expensive, but the flaws are still the same! The next time some aged dude tells me about his leaking school, I'd be sure to tell him to piss off and save his story for himself.

Well, what can I do? Everywhere in my college, copious efforts are being made to save money! Money's a very VERY important commodity, and we should amass as much as possible! The water pressure is reduced such that the water coolers spew water no more than 0.5mm past the nozzle, and water trickles out of the taps - explains why lesser and lesser people are washing their hands after visiting the washroom nowadays. Must be due to the fact that they'd be late for class and be scolded by their tutors if they try to fully wash their hands.

Air conditioners are horribly expensive! Some colleges spend as much as 30 grand each month on electricity bills! Well, not where I come from! The air conditioners are set to have a 10min warm up time, and a 5 min cool down time. So, in a one hour lecture, you get 45mins of effective air conditioning! There is also now a new deniabiliy act that can be carried out, whereby "I'm sorry the computer says the air con is on but I don't know why there's no air con. I'm not in charge of the air con, so TOO BAD not my business." Well, if people are complaining about your cost saving methods, blame the machinery! Come to think of it, it's not even a year old, so naturally, it would break down. In fact, the chance of it breaking down can be distributed under a Poisson Distribution! Yes, yes! That must be it. It's not the school, it's the machinery.

So there, life ain't that bad after all, so quit complaining.

1 SC - "But we all are counsellors what!"

2006-05-16T22:52:00.000+08:00

Hereby I proclaim, in the final week of my term in office, I have sanctioned, by the authority of tristan, the legality of the opening to the First Students' Counsel of Aye Junior College.

The Constitution of The Students' Counsel:

Article 1
1.1 tristan is the best and is to be feared, respected, revered, admired, venerated, adored, desired, ... His wit is simply undeniable. His perspectives are definitely right.

1.2 The Parliament holds the most power with each Member having an equal percentage of votes. The Parliament exists as a fictitious body, a figment of the imagination of Supreme Chancellor tristan.

1.3 The Members of Parliament are nominated by The Supreme Chancellor and voted for by other Parliament Members.

Article 2
The Students' Counsel is hereby an independent body of any Junior Colleges and/or Students' Councils.

Article 3
The Students' Counsel, as an independent body, has the right and power, sanctioned by tristan, to mock and verbally or otherwise, humiliate anyone and/or anything of lower Wit Quotient as defined by the standards of the very private "tristan Study", never published in 2006 and not found in the Medical Science Journal or otherwise.

Article 4
4.1 In the case of impeachment, the Supreme Court of tristan Justice (SCOTAJ [pronounced sco-tach]) will uphold the laws of the Students' Counsel. The SCOTAJ can at it's discreation, review and overturn rulings of lower courts.

4.2 At the discreation of tristan, lower courts may be created with or without the consultation of the Parliament of the Students' Counsel.

Article 5
The role of Supreme Chancellor / Counsellor is to be rotated among nominated candidates by Parliament. Nominees would then have to undergo voting by the Parliament of the Students' Counsel, taking into consideration the Political Testament released by the outgoing Supreme Chancellor.

Article 6
6.1 All Armed Forces, Police and Civil service officials (AFPC) are to pledge an Oath of Allegience to The Supreme Chancellor and are to receive direct orders from Him (or Her.)

6.2 Upon the declaration of a State of Emergency by The Supreme Chancellor, The AFPCs are hereby authorised to use any measures required to regain social order.

Article 7
Political broadcasts are released to the general public either weekly or fortnight via podcasts and must be obtained by all citizens, peasants and degenerates.

Article 8
The Constitution is hereby effective from the date and time of posting and may be Amended in anyway as desired by a 87% vote from the Parliament.

Right words, wrong minds.

2006-04-24T21:32:00.000+08:00

I have come to realise that the uniform of my instituition can be rather provacative at times, especially when unknowing outsiders listen to your conversation and have no idea what is going on. It might raise a few eyebrows.

Here are a few examples:

1. My rubber is loose.
2. I need a new rubber.
3. Do you think the bookshop lady will change my rubber?
4. The Management should just stop using rubber.
5. Girls and even the guys have rubber.
6. My female friends say guys look weird with rubber.
7. I can see you rubber!
8. Dude, tuck in your rubber.
9. The Principal says that rubber will improve school's image.
10. The students don't like using rubber.

Like I said, provocative and mind boggling.

When my walking stick wasn't needed.

2006-04-15T00:45:00.000+08:00

Over the course of the past week or so, the chord and lyrics of an old song which I overheard back from my younger days of (relatively) high and short shorts kept playing in my mind. I thought of it amusing, so I thought perhaps I'd just share with you the lyrics of the song.

When I was a little boy,
my grandma gave me 2 little toys,
2 little balls, hanging on the wall,
then I call them my toot-toot.
My toot-toot-, my toot-toot,
then I call them my toot-toot.

There was this dog, living downstairs,
it wanted to borrow my toot-toot.
My toot-toot-, my toot-toot,
it wanted to borrow my toot-toot.

There was this man, living upstairs,
he wanted to buy off my toot-toot.
My toot-toot-, my toot-toot,
he wanted to buy off my toot-toot.

There was this girl, living next door,
she wanted to play with my toot-toot.
My toot-toot-, my toot-toot,
she wanted to play with my toot-toot.

Transformers - Cool Mats in Disguise.

2006-04-06T23:22:00.000+08:00

Well, well, well. Here I am back again from a rather long absence due to pure otiosity on my part.

Anyway, in my fair institution, I've realised that they've started the sale of ice cream! But unfortunately, it's only Nestle, but hey, at least it's still something! A couple of days after the ice cream came into stock, I thought I'd grab one, since the weather was horrid.

I think it's a dream come true for Mats. It has got to be. For all you Mat wannabies you there, this is a dream come true for you as well! For those people who look upon Mats with that disapproving look filled with contempt, shame on you! You all ought to be rounded up and sent to the gallows to be hanged, drawn and quartered.

As Mats become more and more prominent (metaphorically AND literally) in our society, it would only be a matter of time before they start filling in the random areas in our lives by their presence. As you can see, Nestle has so kindly spearheaded the campaign on social acceptance of Mats by emphasizing what all Mats think they are - cool. As you can see, in classic Mat demeanour, it's spelt 'kool'. The packaging is even printed in all the Mat-friendly colours as well! I highly suspect they wanted black somewhere on the wrapper, but sadly, that would have caused the ice cream to melt faster, so black was a no-go.

See. They've even included shades on the double "O"s to show that Mats usually have their shades with them to be absolutely kool. If you're wondering, Mat Kool's actually Paddlepop from our childhood days! Whatever happened to the "Paddlepop, wee! Paddlepop, yeah! Super duper yummy!" slogan with the lion mascot with the treasurechest-ful of Paddlepop ice creams?

It seems like commercialism and and a new target market has changed the marketing strategies of Nestle. Everything on the design package there is meant to depict the Mat and his koolness and stuff. But of course, the monkey there doesn't represent the Mat. What the hell were you thinking of? Don't start a bloody race riot here in singapore. We value peace and harmony.

Effects of MatKool on Human Conversational Skills
Before: Hey bro, it's been a while, how're you dude?

After: Sia lah brudder, long time no seeing sia! Wassup!

Keeping temperatures low.

2006-04-02T00:16:00.000+08:00

singapore is a very hot country with daytime temperature seldom, if not never below the 30 degrees celsius range. Not only is it very hot, it is also very bright because we are a nice tropical country with a nice tropical climate with extremely nicely high humidity.

But because weather is so terrible and unpredictable here in singapore, we should always be prepared. You never know when a night would be hot,humid and bright. For those who perpetually find yourselves rendered immobile due to bad weather, SHAME ON YOU for your level of unpreparedness.

I think there's a group of people who ought to be commended for their high levels of preparedness.

Let us take a look at Ah Bengs (Of all races, language and/or religion, lest people I say I'm racist against the chinese).

Ah Bengs have got to be the one of the penultimate, if not least poorly prepared group of individuals I have ever noticed. Once upon a time, I used to think that them wearing trucker caps was kind of an 'act cool' annd 'sia lah brother I so cool got cap sia' kind of rubbish. But don't worry, I only say that in the folly of my youth back then, and I formally retract my statements.

For people you still think along the lines of what I did in the past, let me correct you and let you in on my new perspective. A cap serves many functions in asisting the Ah Bengs due with the weather. Firstly, the caps Ah Bengs wear mostly have holes or nettings, if you wish to phrase it this way, all over the place, if not half the cap. This netting surface which covers nearly half the cap is a good source of air ventilation. You see, humidity is disgustingly high in singapore, and it could get very wet and sticky. Moreover, nights in singapore could potentially get increasingly hot as well, due to global warming, and a well ventilated cap would ameliorate the suffering!

Secondly, a cap also serves it's usual purposes to provide some form of shade to the person donning it. As you know, Ah Bengs normally go hang out in night spots and like to drive their extremely modded Subaru TSes into a WRX lookalike. As a Race Driver wannabe, how can they be short of the typical bright Xenon lights? So therefore, a cap comes into place. Advantages of wearing a cap instead of shades of tinting your windscreen: First, if you get pulled over by a cop, you won't get jacked for wearing shades in the night. Sencond, it isn't illegal to wear caps while driving as compared to tinting the front windscreen. Moreover, tinting is expensive, and cost savings is something every Ah Beng is worried about.

My third and last point would be rain. You see, if it rains, you can take out your umbrella, open it and walk. If you don't really do umbrellas, you can open your raincoat or poncho and put it on, and walk. However, as you all know, Ah Bengs like to go out in the dead of the night to skate. While skating, who in the right frame of mind (yes, Ah Bengs can be in the right frame of mind too) would carry an umbrella or wear a raincoat?!?! Can you imagine the typical 'cool' image of an Ah Beng with his skateboard and all wearing a 'Hello Kitty' raincoat? Not cool man. Caps however, provide some protection from rain to the face, helping to Ah Beng maintain his visuals even in the rain, not compromising his stunts in the least bit.

Therefore, I think we should all go get trucker caps and wear them. If others don't think you're cool in one, start hanging out with Ah Bengs, you'll feel right as right immediately.

The drought.

2006-03-27T20:31:00.000+08:00

I have no idea why. But recently, I feel strangely at peace with Ah Bengs. I think I'm going crazy.

It's ok, some shit'll be here soon. Oh, the podcast is delayed! I've re-written the script. Seems like being spontaneously unplanned generally leads to rambling and other screw ups.

Oh, I have this total disregard for rules, especially some. Horrible me:

Respawn.

2006-03-22T22:04:00.000+08:00

And here I am, back once again to entertain my horde of avid readers and soon-to-be listeners. I'm as of now drafting a script for a rather interesting podcast that I'm going to record and release hopefully sometime this week, if all goes well, naturally.

Just for the record, it strikes me how my clairvoyance is spot on (well, it IS called clairvoyance).Everything that has been happening over the past 3 days was as expected.

Oh, and Jessika is becoming increasingly philosophical. So cheem. Way out of my league now.

Hiatus.

2006-03-19T22:02:00.000+08:00

So, sadly the time has come for me to answer the threat of Mordor with my Fellowship of the Lecture Notes, TYS and Other School's Papers.

So, just in case you gossip bitches become disgrunted about my lack of posts, here's me adhearing to some typical blogging habits: Daily Rants.

I've so kindly rationed them into parts, so don't read past the day's limiters or it's not my fault.

Monday:

I just had GP, damn, 1.5 hours only, sia. So difficult, lah. The questions are stumped me. Die already, lah. Must study for maths tomorrow, liao. Wish me lucks, you guys.

[ End of Monday Rant.]

Tuesday:

I just had Maths, damn, so difficult, lah. I kena jacked all the way, sia. So terrigible. But never mind, I shall study for my chem and bio tomorrow. Bye bye!

[ End of Tuesday Rant.]

Wednesday:

Yay finally finish common test, liao. I think I cock up my chem and chio. But aiya, I don't care, liao. Time to play! Yays!

[End of Wednesday Rant.]

Fixation.

2006-03-18T09:21:00.000+08:00

Much to my dismay and the loss of reading pleasure of the avid readers of Life's Quiddities, a few extremely witty and interesting posts were required to be removed to get the site back up again.

We apologise for any inconvenience caused and sincerely hope you will not only continue to read this blog, but help the contributors publicise it. For your hard work, we'll reward you with candy canes topped off with whipped cream.

Any closer, I'll gourge out your eyes.

2006-03-15T21:00:00.000+08:00

Regretably, I seem to have became a total bitch for the rubbish online survey about What's-Your-Grandmother-Fetish kind of quizing shit.

Then again, I only post this because I find the third paragraph, of high interest me. Piques my interest so very much. My dear friends though, would say that the third paragraph is highly untrue. It is most probably as true as, say, hmmm, me being able to get 4 As in the upcoming common test.

You Are 52% Abnormal

You are at high risk for being a psychopath. It is very likely that you have no soul.

You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at high risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is very likely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

My Magic Lamp.

2006-03-15T09:14:00.000+08:00

You know, people always have those bloody wishlist shit on some small dilapidated corner of their blogs. So, being a blogger in the blogniverse, I thought I should conform to conformity for once.

So I thought maybe I'd write a list of things that I hope I'd get or be able to do:

A new house that'll appear on MTV Cribs
With a toilet I can hold a Grand Prix in
A bathtub large enough for 10 + me
A limitless credit card
Nice gulfstream
Join the Mile High Club (oh yeah)
A garage full of nice wheels
Dress my ass with the latest fashion
Front door key to the Playboy mansion
Drug dealers on speed dial.

There, quite a simple wishlist of 10 things. Not very demanding at all.

Ooh yeah.

2006-03-09T21:21:00.000+08:00

In an absolutely rare once in a lifetime moment, tristan lets his readers have a glimpse of his life. This seems to corroborate the rumours that are circulating among quite a substantial number of people, but I beg to differ.

NB: Boredom makes you do eccentric things.

You Are a Fun Flirt

You just can't help yourself... you flirt with everyone you know.Guys, girls, crushes, and friends. They're all victims to your charm.You're into silly innuendos, sexy jokes, and playful touches.You are a huge flirt, yet you never make anyone (too) uncomfortable!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

T is for Tote bag.

2006-03-09T20:27:00.000+08:00

I never knew there were so many 'T's in the titles of my posts until this day. Miraculous. Whoever asked Jessica to spark it off.

Anyway, through ~~years~~ months of observation, I have come tonight to propose a thesis on why tote bags are so popular among the general (if not whole) population of Ah Bengs here in our fair island, the ~~democratic~~ Republic of singapore. Personally, I coin tote bags shopping bag. So, if you see 'shopping bag' being used later on in the post and don't understand, you ought to give yourself a kick in the ass.

As you all know, Ah Bengs nowadays like to don very fancy apparel which would only appeal to their kind. Either that or they just read "Screw You" with a couple of middle fingers here and there and who-knows-what-else. Carrying a backpack would then cover all these wonderfully designed pieces of cloth and there's not really much of a point in that right? The Ah Bengs need to stand out from the rest of the boring population. The Finger needs to be seen.

Also, a tote bag can be easily opened, and as you all know, staring incidents are all too common. Ask yourself, what do staring incidences lead to? That's right, you've guessed it right my genius friends - fights! In a fight, speed and agiltiy is the key. That's why blitzkrieg tactics have worked so well, samurais emphasize so much on speed and the list goes on.

Imagine if you're an Ah Beng, and a fight is going to break out with another Ah Beng, if the other Ah Beng has to open is geekish backpack, you can quickly draw your parang from your shopping bag in about 2.73s while that clown is going to take at least 20s or something. In that time, the joker's going to be dead.

On the point of easy access, swift drawing also equates swift packing. You know, nowadays, the law enforcement is also very efficient. Most of the time, policemen are either patrolling, or the nosey public would inform the police of a fight. Therefore, if a policeman was to pass by, the Ah Beng will be able to quickly conceal his parang back into his shopping bag, therefore, the policeman would not see his weapon, and no suspicion will be aroused! 2 in 1.

Being the picky and value for money singaporeans that you all are, I know 2-in-1 is not budget and value for money enough for you all. So, on the point of easy access, I shall make it 3-in-1. Imagine this: Ah Beng, and his girlfriend, Ah Lian, are making love and all. Even though Ah Beng is not very smart, his ~~friend~~ acquaintance, called Rafflesian, told him before to use condoms everytime when he has sex, though Ah Beng has no idea why. So, here Ah Beng is, making love to his girlfriend, and in the heat of the moment, he remembers the advice and reaches for his condoms in his bag.

Now, if Ah Beng carries a backpack and takes like 30s to dig and locate his pack of condoms, Ah Lian would get sick and tired of waiting and walk out on him. Very anti-climax, literally, and metaphorically - and that is not cool. Whereas if Ah Beng had a shopping bag, he would be able to locate his priced loot within 13s, and he would score with the ladies - cool.

Also, I'm sure all of you readers of Life's Quiddities know, Ah Bengs just LOVE to blast loud techno music on their MP3 handphones, while other people just use MP3 players, like the very sleek iPod, for example (Apple ought to pay me).

Anyway, as I was saying, Ah Bengs like to blast music. If you are an Ah Beng, and your pockets are already stuffed full of cigarettes, crack, pot and whatever-other-items-an-Ah-Beng-might-have inside his pocket, like maybe a switchblade for example, where else can you keep your handphone? Why, in your bag of course! If an Ah Beng carries a backpack, his music will be softened and muffled - totally unlike and Ah Beng. They've got a reputation to maintain, ok! So, with a shopping bag which has an open top, the Ah Beng will be able to enjoy good music from his bag while not compromising on the quality!

Therefore, I think we should all carry shopping bags. Maybe not because of the parangs, but maybe for other reasons. If you're pimping and the chicks dig you, get a shopping bag, saves you some time. If your MP3 player has died and you've got to listen to music by hook or by crook on that ever so boring train ride back from ~~london to madrid~~ Bedok to Eunos, and using an MP3 phone's the only way, a tote bag's for you.

Very soon, tote bags are going to be the norm. So, keep a lookout - you never know who has a parang in one of those bags.

2Ts are for The Threat.

2006-03-07T21:28:00.000+08:00

~~Elrond~~ tristan: Strangers from distant ~~lands~~ classes, friends of old. You have been ~~summoned~~ invited here to answer the threat of ~~Mordor~~ the Block Test. ~~Middle-Earth~~ Your results stand upon the brink of ~~destruction~~ failure. None can ~~escape~~ ace it. You will ~~unite~~ study or you will ~~fall~~ be sent to remedial classes. Each ~~race~~ student is bound to this fate - this one doom. Bring forth the ~~ring~~ results, ~~Frodo~~ that random clerk in the corner.

-Disturbed whispering and murmering-

~~Boromir~~ Non "S" Paper Student: So it is true...

~~Man of Laketown~~ Student in SSS: The Doom of ~~Men~~ students.

~~Boromir~~ Non "S" Paper Student: It is a ~~gift~~ motivation. A ~~gift~~ motivation to the ~~foes~~ students of ~~Mordor~~ the Science Faculty. Why not use this ~~Ring~~ results? Long has my ~~father~~ friends, the ~~Steward of Gondor~~ top students of RJC and HCI, kept the forces of ~~Mordor~~ tests and exams at bay. By the ~~blood~~ muggeristic nature of ~~our people~~ my friends are your ~~lands~~ results compared to. Give ~~Gondor~~ my top Rafflesian and HCIans friends the weapon of the ~~exams~~. Let us use it ~~against him~~ as a motivation to study!

~~Aragon~~ Top "S" Paper Student: You cannot ~~wield~~ control it the results! None of us can. The ~~One Ring~~ results from the Block Test answers to ~~Sauron~~ the Science Faculty teachers alone. It has no other ~~master~~ marker.

-End of scene-

And thus concludes the intelligence we have received from our sources about the Block Test.

Age is wisedom.

2006-03-06T00:28:00.000+08:00

Among tristan's quiddities are his alter egos. One of them, perhaps being his favourite.

Now, Venerable Old Master tristan (not featured above) was a wise old man who has travelled the lands, seen the sights and experienced the world. With a bagful of experience, his wise words seek to enlighten only the right people, at the right time, in the right situation. Wise is the young man who listens to advice of his elders, for he is on his way to wisedom.

A conversation today sparked of a series of words from the Venerable Master.

Young Kid: Old dude, I am young, and I am fast. And strong. Unlike you old man.

MT: Young fart, this reminds me of situation which I once witnessed, while roaming the bamboo groves of the JiangXi province in search of inner peace.

YK: Ok old bat, what is it?

MT: Once, in the Jiangxi province's bamboo groves, there lived 2 mongoose. One was an old mongoose, while the other was a young mongoose.

YK: Let me guess? The old mongoose was dependant on the young one for food?

MT: Ah, young fool, your foolish ways makes you myopic. Stop interrupting me and you will see. The 2 mongoose one day stumbled across a hungry snake's path, and the snake was choosing his target.

MT: The young mongoose, being the more nimble and agile of the 2, managed to run really fast, and fled the scene quickly. The older mongoose, could not make it away in time.

YK: HAH! I knew it!

MT: Not so fast my young apprentice. The young mongoose ran so fast, that he didn't realise that the root of the undergrowth were above the soil. The young mongoose tripped on a root, and was flung head first into a thick tree trunk. He died on the spot.

YK: Aiya, so both die in the end what, no big deal!

MT: Appreciate knowing when to speak, young man. The story continues! The old mongoose, was apparently SO DAMNED fat, that the snake just couldn't swallow him whole. The old mongoose meanwhile, climbed out of the snake's dislocated jaw and made the snake swallow itself. It died on the spot.

MT: That goes to prove, my young friend, that youth, coupled with it's ignorance and foolishness, can be fatal.

Drums and Percussion.

2006-03-03T23:31:00.000+08:00

As with every other weekend night (Friday qualifies as a weekend night, for you information), a social life is very much needed by the drained tristan after a week of tense battles and skirmishes with boring lectures, and even more boring lecturers. Also, guarding the left flanks of tests and the right flanks of late night tutorials is absolutely horrendous and straining on the men.

Anyways, among my many adventures and sights that I experience everytime I go on an escapade, I have seem something that heartens me very much.

The government's policies, plans and aspirations are working! Again! Remember how the government built the Esplanade back in the late 20th century and how the noobs of singapore, being the myopic, near future thinking fools said that singapore would NEVER become a hub for the arts, and how no one in the right frame of mind would spend so much money on a concert ticket and how people who would do so are most probably stuck in an asylum?

Well, you fools, 8 years on, I can safely ask you to eat your words back man! In Your Face!

The arts has developed well in singapore, LaSalle and NAFA have sprang and blossomed. Mozaic festivals are succesful, and concerts are well received. People of singapore island are more well-versed with the arts, especially with musical instruments and the likes, as compared to a decade back.

Let's take for example my trip out today. Musicians can perform anywhere nowadays, including the trains, being the very versatile performers that they are. While on the train today, I saw some extremely good percussionist playing some silent music on train. I'm actually not really sure if he's any good or not, but I should think so.

His instrument is so complex, with a twitch of his fingers, it produces a different vibration. However, it wasn't too comvenient for me to keep staring at his instrument, it might cause some problems. Imagine what you would do if you were an Ah Beng and you saw someone staring at your girlfriend's ass. You'd start some shit and use Fight Words and the blue taxi'll come and everyone can all squat and eat shit and die.

Well, that's the new age musician for you. They practise their percussion skills on the behinds of their girlfriends on trains. Hey, they're not PDAing or anything, they are just involved in some very high level of musical practice - so much so that conservative idiots like us do not appreciate it. When rock first appeared in the 80s, people said it was satanic and all. Look at rock now, being one of the widest genres of music.

So, being the laymen that we are, not knowing how to appreciate such a high form of art, we can only stand and frown disaprovingly of what they are doing, to the dismay of the government's plans of turning us into a hub for the arts. One day, that Ah Beng there may become the world's best percussionist, playing in New York, Manhatten, London, Berlin, Moscow, Ottaway, Tokyo, Sydney, Beijing and Paris, among other major cities. That'll do singapore proud and bring us great boatloads of honour and glory! Even more so that Melvin Tan. Then maybe the Ah Beng can defer NS and pay 5000 bucks. But because he is more world class and more affluent, he will have to make it 10 000bucks instead.

I think I shall start to learn percussion as well.

Man is different.

2006-03-02T22:19:00.000+08:00

It seems that between different species and cultures, we have different modes of carrying out our business. But some things remain the same.

The House.

2006-03-02T20:14:00.000+08:00

In typical classic mannerism, I have sworn off speaking and/or writing chinese for at least this year. I shall not even stoop to saying my chinese name. So, this takes precedence over what I said about the chinese poem. You all will have to wait until next year.

Anyway, I just realised today that the Parliament House is nothing but really, a place for ministers and MPs to have an intellectual brawl in the mud using nothing but words. Seems that way of politics in singapore.

But a few characters were rather enntertaining. If possible, go find out more about the Big Dudes who run the House. The Speaker dude (with the most power around the house that he can tell EVEN Mr. So-and-so-ly to Shut up and return to his seat because his time is up) is kind of cool, so is the guy wielding the mace which costs 9800 bucks.

Being the ever so happy-go-lucky prankster that I am, I thought it'll be kind of cool to do either 1 of 2 things:

Give The Finger to The Speaker
Bow no less than 27 times when you enter or exit the House.

That would kind of cool won't it? It'll either piss the shit out of The Speaker, or it'll piss the shit out of The Speaker. It's just like those extremely tense courtroom situation whereby the clerk wails "All Rise for the old fogies in the horsehair wig which itchies the shit out of their scalp!" and this joke of a lawyer just keeps bowing non-stop. Ownage.

The best part of the Parliament House is that you get to treat it like your own house. I guess that's why it's called the Parliament House after all. During the presentation of a case by some dude / dudette, anyone can just freely roam in and out and in and out and in and out of the House. All they have to do is bow! Like I said, freedom of movement like your very own home, other than the bowing. Imagine having to bow to your dad when you enter the toilet, and when you come out, you bow again. Bow to dear old mum before etering the kitchen, and when you leave, bow again. If this were to happen, everyone is going to get osteoporosis and permanent back injuries before the age of 23.

But I think Option 1'll most probably land me in jail with a charge of civil disobedience. Now, going to jail isn't really my kind of thing, because first of all, it's darn small, being only a measley 2m X 2m. The worse part is, you've to share the square with 3 other people. And being 1.85m doesn't really help matters, especially when everytime you just want to turn and sleep on your side, the ah beng next to you with a wild boar tattoo will snarl menacingly at you. Absolutely suckatastic.

On to more pressing issues, I only knew today that Eunice Olsson is allegedly representing youths of singapore in the House! Don't we all feel so well-represented? I feel like all my rights and and privileges are being ensured by someone who wishes for "World Peace", just like the other 763 934 616 other Miss Universe contestants since the start of the ~~parade~~ pageant.

Actually, I think Parliament is too peaceful, and too serious. Humour needs to be smuggled in somehow through all the security. So next time, when you see a very charasmatic and charming guy running in your GRC and he's especially humourous and likes to start some shit, vote for him. He'll try to get you a very large Good Progress Package.

Wo0t.

2006-03-01T19:07:00.000+08:00

OMFGOSH I got a bloody B3 for chinese!

Now where's that chinese poem?

For your own safety, please do not stay out beyond the 11 o'clock.

2006-02-28T18:14:00.000+08:00

Just a short prelude, it's the release of CLAO results tomorrow. Should I get a B, I'd swear I write a chinese poem. If I get a C, I'd be rather sad, because I want to go to Peking University and Major in Chinese History and do a Minor in Chines Literature. Then I'll come back to singapore and be a chinese teacher. If I fail, I think my teacher'll force me to retake. But that's another matter altogether.

As you all know, I've been a little backdated on new, and I shall just enlighten you on the new curfew, I mean, precautionary measures taken put in place by the police on individuals below the age of 17 loitering outside after 2300hrs.

For all of you who are even more backward than me in terms of news, the police will send a letter of all individuals aged below 17 who are stopped by police officers who are loitering outside after 11pm to their parents informing them of what their child's doing.

Well, don't blame the police. The police is only trying to stop some shit from happening. After all, people like me are perpetually trying to start some shit, so I guess the police is finally sick of it. Well, here's some of that shit:

See? It keeps our nation safe! Don't think that this law is bad. It keep youngsters off the streets, where the big boys/girls roam. The newbies might just get killed. Especially those little young, small sized ah beng punks. The kind whereby if I were to stick out my hand, they won't reach me. Those loud talking kids just shout and talk a load of trash, but, when it comes down to physical violence, no amount of trash talking will spare them the pain from a Brock Lesner sized bigger and older ah beng.

Actually, this law can also be applied to other areas. You know, in a developed and (relatively) liberal society in singapore, divorce cases are so common that there're even more divorces cases in a day than the number of times I need to take a piss.

Divorce is brought about by a few reasons, but it's mostly brought about by cheating spouses. So I recommend that this law be implemented by the Help-Married-Couples-Stay-That-Way Council (HMCSTW, doesn't seem to shorten the damned name, but what the hell) which will soon be in business. If officers from the Anti-Sexual Immorality Squad (ASS) spot married couples in Geylang (by then, all married couples will have their marriage status printed on their IC, this way, all ASSes will be able to check for status), the ASSes will then send a letter of notice to their spouses. This way, not only will general sexually transmitted diseases and sexual immorality be erradicted from our society, but so will adultery cases, which reduces the number of divorce cases.

Then, the letters sent out should go something along these lines:

HMCSTW Council

1 Here To Stop Cheating Bastards Ave

Singapore 123456

Wife/Husband of Chong Ah Beng

#1\10-999

Blk 2 Gangster Apartments

6 Vulgarities Lane

Dear Sir, Madam,

RE: Your Spouse was spotted by ASSes

On the night of 23/1/06, your spouse, Chong Ah Beng, was spotted by ASSes loitering round Lorong X Geylang at approximately 2340hrs. Mr Chong was standing around by the roadside, mingling and socialising with some known Satisfaction Officers.

Please do not be alarmed by receiving this letter. This letter was sent as ASSes believed Mr Chong was just doing some harmless socialising, and no extra attention should be given to this one off event. Despite being in a red light district and near a number of cheap hotels and mingling with SOs, we are not insinuating that he had / was thinking of carrying out acts of adultery.

We sincerely believe that Mr Chong is a faithful spouse and was just informing the SOs not to stand too close to the road or they might run the risk of getting themselves knocked by a vehicle.

Thank You.

This is a computer generated letter and no signature is required.

There, singapore would be a much better place with all these measures in place.

>Hail Democracy.

Hail Freedom.

Hail singapore.

My close call with wealth.

2006-02-27T18:07:00.000+08:00

Today, I am going to talk about what everyone's talking about! That NYP video thing which involved Tammy (Tammi? Whatever.) I know I'm a little (very) backdated. But don't blame me you condescending asses. I've been getting a social life and going out on hot dates every night with a couple of hot chicks. Read that : a couple! They're called Chemistry Tutorials (Very sexy body), Maths tutorials (This one's very witty), And SEF Research (Her deadpan humourless humour). So as you can see, I've been up to my neck with my tristan's angels.

Ok, let's not digress with my girls.

Anyway, I once saw an ad on Ebay selling a pornographic film production company for about 100Gs US bucks man. I would've snapped it up immediately if not for the red tape here in singapore and also my lack of capital. The best part is, the company even comes equipped with video production equipment and capabilities!
To prove my point,

Damn. All the idiots out there who thought pornography won't go far in singapore due to our conservative society. Looks like there's an increasing market of homemade pornographic productions. Shit I could've swiped a couple million dollars and used the cash to buy myself a really nice big bed whereby my feet won't stick out the end when I sleep in the night.

As can be seen from the video, youngsters nowadays very liberal ok! They like to relive their moments of happiness, so they take their little trendy handphones with cameras and capture the Kodak (Nokia) moment. What's so bad about this? Nothing what. We go on holiday, take photos of the scenery, we take videos of our baby's first steps, first crap in his/her pants, first vomiting on your pants, first spitting of water into our faces. This time it's just a (hopefully!) first time sex video. Everything do for the first time must record what, singaporean tradition.

Not only that! The government's policies are working! That's great!

You see, we've always wanted to turn singapore into a hub for the arts. Everything also hub here hub there. No wonder singapore got starhub. But that one, don't know for what. Only rip people off with handphone bill and cable bill only. No real talent, one. I also can, with my porn company. If I had bought it. But come to think of it, there're so many bloody ah bengs in singapore who'll most probably pirate my bloody productions and sell them to uncles at coffeeshops for 3 for 10 dollars. Damn them. Ripping my profits!

Anyway, let's not digress. singapore is so artsy fartsy nowadays. The arts cultural is totally into singapore man. I mean, we're liberal, and we're artsy fartsy people. Just look at the Crazy Horse performance! They can be classified under "Professional Entertainers" for their occupation. Maybe people film themselves having sex is actually to prepare themselves to fly to France and audition for a role in the performance. But all you Crazy Horse performers wannabies out there, I got an important note for you: If you want to reenact what Tammy did, don't forget to paint your privates like the Crazy Horse performace!

If you got paint your privates, is art. If never, is video of pornographic video! Must go counselling some more. Just for the sake of getting the occupation of a "Professional Entertainer" go through so much trouble, not worth it. Don't stinge on the few dollars on paint. At most don't buy Nippon or ICI Duleux or what. Just buy water paint or steal from art class can already.

Come to think of it ah, we shouldn't be making so much noise about the video. She's above 16, both parties are consenting. If they start so young, then our fair land's birth rate will increase right? Good for our demographics! I mean, look at the hostel dwellers of NUS(or was it NTU). The scandalous, I mean, supportive of government policies people are just trying to increase birth rate. The only difference is that the NUS(NTU) people never record acts of their support for the government's policies. Or even if they did, the video's not found.

You narrow minded people out there! Give the people a break already. All these pre-marital sex is not very fun you know? The real pleasure of sex likes not in the orgasm, but rather, in the fact that we're supporting the government's plans and policies to increase birth rate, and that we're doing our fair bit for our beloved island nation which has a greying population.

tristan the Terror.

2006-02-26T01:39:00.000+08:00

tristan, Master of Punk, Lord of Pranks, Proprietor of Chaos and Chieftain of Mess, once again sets the stage to strike terror in the hearts of the unsuspecting peasantry.

-Insert Dr Evil laugh here-.

Terrorism - A very terrible, terrorising threat.

2006-02-23T23:06:00.000+08:00

Today, some dear folks at the NPC came down to our fair college to talk to us about terrorism by reading 25 minutes worth of presentation directly off a script, with some horribly boring slides that would even bore the tattooed eyebrows off the aunties at the coffeeshop.

Teh-ri-sm, is a very real threat. Terrorists look like you and I, the uncle collecting 10 cents at public toilets, the Ah Beng smoking at the void deck, the car park lady, the S11 dish clearing person et cetra. So, "if you suspected your friends of being terrorist, please alerted your teachers. If you anyhow alerted the police then is wasting the resources."

For all you know, I'm a terrorist too! I take photos at MRT stations, embassies, carry my suspicious bag around, been searched by security guards at MRT stations before, asked if I am mentally stable, part of any extremist or outlawed organisations and I especially hang out after 11pm all the time. Moreover, I am going to army soon. So I am soon going to possess firearms and dangerous explosives too. I am soon-to-be armed, but already dangerous.

So, my fellow terrorist brothers and sisters out there! Come to me! I am canvassing for support to beat a record and I need all the help I can ever get! You're in with me? Great. Here's the operation plan:

Click to enlarge image. This is the maximum I can go.

What more can I say. Fame and glory await us all.